Big Bad Wolf
I have been friends with my sister-in-law for 25 years. I’ve been there for her during many heartbreaking situations, even putting my marriage on the line at times.
Our relationship has been 
mostly one-sided. My sister-in-law is self-centered, demanding, and doesn’t hold back on being deliberately cruel if things don’t go her way. Due to my forgiving nature and dislike of confrontation, I tried to rise above it all.
That is, until now. I am going through an extremely unpleasant divorce. My ex moved on and said and did damaging things. Still I keep it all bottled up inside and never say a bad word against him to his family.
My brother-in-law recently confided that under the pretence of a nice day out, my sister and mother-in-law plan to pump me for information to pass along to my ex. My brother-in-law says he is disgusted with what they are saying and wants me to know what I am up against.
Comments he passed on make me know he’s telling the truth. I am appalled. My in-laws always said I’m the most wonderful person with the loveliest disposition of anyone they ever met. I thought they genuinely cared about me.
Obviously I do not want to engage in any way with my sister-in-law, but she’s pushing to meet with me. I wish to call it a day, in writing, as I will be a wreck if I have to do it verbally. How can I do this without betraying my brother-in-law’s confidence?
Simone
Simone, there are two reasons not to put your feelings in writing. One, it makes you appear weak, and two, it gives your in-laws something concrete to criticize, and they will nitpick every statement and comma in your letter.
Like the first of the Three Little Pigs, you’ve been living in a house of straw. It is easy to describe your disposition as motivated by kindness, but in fact it is motivated by fear. You think writing a letter is like building a house of sticks, but the true solution is to build a house of bricks.
Your sister-in-law and her mother didn’t tell you what their game plan is. You don’t need to tell them your game plan or what you know. At your door or on the phone all you need is a simple, curt refusal. If you must use an excuse, tell them the upheaval of the divorce makes you unwilling to get together.
Your new life is beginning; you are going to be master of your world. In small steps and safe situations put your needs first. Utter your opinions, beliefs, and feelings without apology. Slowly expand your comfort zone. The more you practice this, the easier it will get.
Your sister-in-law and her mother can huff and puff all they want, but they are not entitled to take advantage of you. No, they aren’t. Not by the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.
Wayne & Tamara
Logical Conclusion
A year ago I met a girl, and we got so interested in each other we thought we would marry. She needed attention and care, and I gave it to her.
Now it seems our relationship is not working anymore, and she is unwilling to go forward. What can I do to persuade her to be with me? Please tell me specific things I should do to help this relationship survive. She means everything to me.
Ely
Ely, if we could tell you how to get this girl, we could tell a girl you wouldn’t consider dating how to get you. Authentic relationships don’t work that way. Marriages which thrive are ones both parties enter freely. In those marriages each party wants nothing more than to be with the other.
When your understanding advances from “what I want” to “how this works,” you will be grateful for her refusal.
Wayne & Tamara
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DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
