Featured Short Letter

This Week - Irreversible

My husband had two affairs last year. I am pretty confident he is not cheating now, and we are seeing a marriage counselor. He has changed much since I found out what he was doing. He put our property in my name and bought me a $12,000 diamond ring.

He is affectionate to me most of the time. I believe this is proof that he loves me. The problem is I also have proof that he does not love me because he had affairs. So I have proof he loves me and proof he does not love me.

Our marriage counselor tells me his affair is in the past, and I agree. The problem of the past is that one second later everything is in the past. To me, saying it is in the past is just a way to excuse anything. You could do almost anything, and then later say it is in the past.

If you drive drunk and kill someone, can you say it's in the past? Just because you do not drive drunk anymore you can never bring that person back to life. It may be in the past, but it has certainly destroyed the future. That is the problem.

The therapist wants to focus on the present and future, and consider the affair in the past. If this is a way to move on, then my husband can do almost anything to me and later be forgiven. He can even plan to do something and say to himself later on it will be in the past.

Because something happened before and is not happening now is not a good reason to think it will not happen again. For me, because something happened in the past, it is more reasonable to believe it will happen again. After all, if he had not cheated, there would be no past cheating and no reason to say "put it in the past."

Kayla

Kayla, your logic is correct, and your therapist's reasoning is incorrect. As human beings we have to forecast our future in order to understand what we should do today. Your forecast for the future has changed because your husband has sex with other women.

His cheating is not in the past, because he can do it again. But there is one thing which is in the past. That one thing is fidelity in your marriage. Fidelity, the unbroken wedding vow, is in the past. It is gone and cannot be regained.

Wayne & Tamara

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Last Week - Young Hemingway

I work with a girl, and this girl couldn't be more different from other girls I've met. Besides her eyes, her personality is one of the best I've ever seen, and she is gorgeous.

I recently graduated high school. I didn't date because I know how school relationships usually turn out, so I just skipped the drama. I also believe I matured mentally faster than most of my classmates. I am not trying to be cocky, but I am pretty charming and believe I know how to make a relationship work.

You might be thinking, "Why not ask her out?" That's the problem. She is 24 and I am 18. Do you think asking her out is a good idea?

Brandon

Brandon, you have yet to handle the matador's cape, but you feel ready to enter the bullring. We admire your bravado, but bravado gets many a novice bullfighter gored.

When you avoided high school relationships, you also avoided the experience gained from them. At 24, this woman has a third again your life experience.

If your bravado is sufficient to strut into the ring and face the bull head-on, ask her out. We just hope emergency medical technicians are standing by.

Wayne & Tamara

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Two Weeks Ago - Sexual Resume

My boyfriend and I recently talked about my past. I told him about things I've done which I am not proud of today. I was such a party animal. I flirted with men and made out with some. Because of this he has doubts I slept with more than the number I gave him.

Now he can't even come to my house because that's all he thinks about. He said he put me "up there." He says he trusts me and knows I am committed to him, but my past eats him up. When I try to talk things through with him, he keeps saying he doesn't know, he just doesn't know. By the way, we weren't together then.

Wendy

Wendy, we don't recommend telling untruths or concealing, except in this one particular instance with men. Many men feel they should be the first one to the top of the mountain--even though the only reason they got to the top of the mountain is because others have been there before them.

Wayne & Tamara

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