A Second Opinion

        Gary Smalley's - Love Is a Decision

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

LOVE IS A DECISION

   The first three statements are from Big Brother, in George Orwell's novel 1984.  The last statement belongs to Gary Smalley.  Gary has been putting on "Love is a Decision" workshops for 20 years, and he is the co-author of a book of the same name.

   As the back cover of the book says, "…Gary Smalley contends that genuine love is a decision.  Furthermore, like any worthy undertaking, it requires a plan."

   Gary begins his book with the story of John and Kay.  Kay was at the end of her rope because of her crudely insensitive husband.  John confesses some days he sat in his office thinking of things to tell his wife to do, just to see if she would do them.  Their marriage turned around, Gary says, because Kay decided to honor her husband, not her emotions.

   There may be a clearer formula for having a nervous breakdown, but offhand, we can't think of one.  Where this normally leads is to the complete degradation of the woman, not to the marriage of her dreams.  It also leads to the degradation of her children, especially her daughters.

   The problem with a slogan like Gary's is that it also leads to the following lines of thought:

He's wealthy and handsome and a member of the right country club…  It would be advantageous to marry into her family…  I've got my life planned in stages, and it's time to get married…  I may not get another offer…  Our parents want this…  I want to get out of the house…  I know it's wrong, but it's gone too far to call off…

Since love is a decision, I can go ahead anyway.  The poets and songwriters are wrong about the nature of love.

   In another book, Secrets to Lasting Love, Gary Smalley suggests certain relationship techniques.  For example, he quotes Stephen Covey to the effect that men and women need to understand each other's needs in order to fulfill one another.  Get any book on salesmanship written in the last 75 years, and you will find the same wisdom: "Find a need and fill it."  Nothing new here.

   We looked in two dozen dictionaries. What we did not find in any dictionary is that love is a decision.

   Instead, each dictionary defines love as an emotion which includes intense feelings of deep affection.

   Each dictionary contrasts love, an emotion, with reason and decision.

   Another technique he recommends is the sandwich method.  Praise your partner (or employee) first, then hit them with the negative comment which is the real purpose of your conversation, and finish off with a bit more praise.  This advice is as old as the advice on salesmanship.  What happens when you try this is the other person begins to cringe with the first word of praise.  They dread what is coming next.

Gary's Poster Children - Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford

   Gary Smalley used Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford as his poster children, promoting his tape series in TV infomercials.  These infomercials were hosted by Frank and Kathie Lee, and featured four or five couples sitting around a living room saying how much Gary's videos helped them.

   Evidently the videos didn't help Frank and Kathie Lee.  After the infomercials aired, Frank was caught in a well-publicized affair with a flight attendant.  At the time he was one of the best known sports broadcasters, and Kathie Lee was one of the best known women on television.

   Even with his reputation and income on the line, Frank couldn't behave himself.  Even under Gary Smalley's direct influence, it wasn't enough.  If Gary's techniques could have solved the fundamental problems between Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford, they wouldn't have been publicly humiliated in front of millions of people.

   That is only one of the problems which can arise when you base your life on "Love is a Decision."

This is the first part of Wayne and Tamara's comments on Gary Smalley's claim that "love is a decision." (Part Two here.)

Sources:

Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley & John Trent (1989 Word Publishing). For the story of John and Kay, see pages 1-4, and 35-40.

Secrets to Lasting Love by Gary Smalley (2000 Simon & Schuster). For the reference to Stephen Covey, see page 245. For the "sandwich method," see page 234.