Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free
after the Marriage Ends

   Sandra Kahn, a therapist, wrote this book for women who are divorcing, divorced, or thinking about divorce. The idea came from talking to patients. Often these women came for therapy because of an emotional distress they couldn't quite explain. They wanted to rid themselves of these feelings of being overwhelmed, but they didn't know how.

   What Kahn found, and what her patients didn't realize, was that the problems resulted from the loose ends of a divorce. These women often considered the divorce an event long past, but the issue which was never resolved, leaving him behind, came back to haunt them and disturb their present lives.

A Date Gone Bad

   In the beginning of Leaving Him Behind, the author mentions an experience she had while attending an out of town conference. At the end of the day she treated herself to dinner at a nice restaurant. At a table three feet away sat a nice looking couple, evidently out on a date.

   As a therapist, Kahn hears secrets all day long. She wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but she couldn't help but hear everything they said.

   He, a man in his mid-30s, was attentive and interested in his companion, and she was animated and excited. The man asked questions about her life, interests, work and children. And she told him in minute detail about her ex-husband.

   She didn't even realize she was doing it. Each of her responses began with a token reference to her current life, and then turned into a talk about her ex.

   At first her companion seemed perplexed, but slowly his confusion turned toward boredom. And the woman talked on, unaware of what she was doing.

The Problems to Address

   The purpose of Leaving Him Behind is to show women their new life can't begin until their old one fades from active memory. In this book, Kahn addresses dozens of problems a divorced woman might have, such as:

Do you feel you will always be his "real" wife?
Do you feel someday he will realize his mistake and come back to you?
Is he in your thoughts on a regular basis?
Do you imagine what he would think or say before you make a decision?
Do you feel he needs someone to take care of him?
Do you feel you've destroyed other people's lives by getting a divorce?
Do you feel hatred for him on a daily or weekly basis?

   The author notes that friendship after divorce is not possible for many couples. Why? Because friendship requires mutual respect, trust, open communication, honesty, and mutual enjoyment of togetherness. If a couple had that to begin with, they probably would not have divorced.

   Whatever the relationship with your ex, Sandra Kahn lays out rules for managing what is going on now so you can put this difficult experience behind you. Once a woman has done that, the future opens before her. Until she does that, she will remain stagnant in a past which she cannot change.

   Some of the research in the book is dated, but the psychology of the book is perfect. It is a valuable resource.