A Second Opinion

        Love Is A Decision

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
--George Orwell

LOVE IS A DECISION
--Gary Smalley

This is the second part of Wayne and Tamara's comments on Gary Smalley's claim that "love is a decision."
(Part One here.)

   Gary's claim stands the dictionary definition of love on its head.  But that is not the only problem with Gary's reasoning, as the Mitchells explain in excerpts from two past columns.

From the Direct Answers column titled: "Love"

   I read your reply to Ryan in a recent column.  His wife left him after he was left in a wheelchair.  You stated that love is not a decision… Oh, YES, it is!!!  His wife, after making a commitment to stay with him for better or for worse, chose to put her own needs in front of her husband's.  If she chose to, she'd still be there! 

   I moved from New York to South Carolina and was sorely disappointed in the move.  I was disappointed in my husband and who I thought he was.  I could easily decide to be miserable for the rest of my life, or I could decide to make a happy life here.  I make a decision every day how to respond to my husband.  In those decisions the well of love is fed.

   Feelings are not a choice, but love is!  Real love, unconditional love, is not feelings-driven.  The divorce rate is as high as it is because people go by their feelings instead of decisions to be unselfish.  Real love and commitment are decision-driven.

     Gretchen

   Gretchen, we looked in two dozen dictionaries.  What we did not find in any dictionary is that love is a decision.  Instead, each dictionary defines love as an emotion which includes intense feelings of deep affection.  Each dictionary contrasts love, an emotion, with reason and decision.

   When you say love is a decision, you set yourself up for failure.  When you deny that love is one of the true emotions, you relegate it to being unreal.  People who say love is a decision steal from those with a genuine love for mankind, a genuine love for their children, or a genuine love for their partner.

   Why do some people claim love is a decision?  Because of the word "marriage."  In an attempt to save that institution they deny the reality of love.  They can't package or sell love so they are trying to make love no longer an emotion.  But this newfangled doctrine isn't saving marriage.  It's destroying it.

   Most decisions are made for personal gain.  But the firefighter running into a burning building isn't doing it to save his paycheck, but to save a fellow human being.  We give firefighters medals because they are moved by a higher emotion.  That is what love is: the higher emotion which connects two people.

   The divorce rate is as high as it is because people get into marriages for reasons.  They make decisions.  All my friends are getting married.  He makes good money.  I want to get out of my parents' house.  But decisions are based on criteria, factors, and strategies--all of which may change.

   Some people have a belief in a higher power.  They say God is love.  Do you want to say that God's love is merely a decision?  Where is the comfort in that?  Where is the truth in that?  Mothers love their children.  Would you reduce that to mothers decide to love their children?

   Because of the factors in your own life, you've chosen to alter the definition of love.  But when you relegate love to the lowly realm of decision, you destroy its essence.

   I wake up every day knowing I love my wife.  It's not a decision.  It's a fact.

     Wayne

From the Direct Answers column titled: "Love's Test"

   My life has been filled with its biggest challenge in the past year.  In August, 2004 I had a life-changing diving accident that left me paralyzed from my chest down.  I was a 31-year-old, married, father of two, a successful chef, and a modern man of the house.

  Why do some people claim love is a decision? Because of the word "marriage."

In an attempt to save that institution they deny the reality of love.  They can't package or sell love so they are trying to make love no longer an emotion.

   But this newfangled doctrine isn't saving marriage. It's destroying it.

   After my accident, it was unclear what I would be able to do.  The doctors made no promises, but I was told my injury is incomplete, meaning there's a chance to regain more movement.

   I spent 115 days away from home, mostly learning to do simple things like feed myself, bathe, and sit up.  While I was away, the community rallied in support.  There were fundraisers to renovate my house for me and my wheelchair.  Friends, family, and complete strangers donated money, time, prayers, and words of support.

   Every day I looked forward to coming home.  I spoke to my wife every evening, and she visited almost every weekend.  It was rocky, but I thought we would make it.  I thought we were soul mates and would grow old together.  I guess no one knows what they would do if their spouse became permanently handicapped.  How do you know if you're not in the situation?

   I heard many stories of people who had successful careers, marriages, and families after a spinal cord injury.  I was especially positive in the beginning, when I had the support of therapists and specialists.

   My positive attitude faded when I came home.  I was frustrated with things I used to be able to do.  There was a "friend" who stayed at my house several months helping my wife.  I was home only two weeks when they became intimate.  The Monday after New Year's she said she wanted to move out.  I thought I could share her, but she moved down the street with the kids.

   I don't know where I would be if not for close friends who moved into my house to help.  How do I move on?  I believe I have a lot to offer.  I used to think we would be together forever; now I'm craving companionship, intimacy, and someone to be close to.

     Ryan

   Ryan, some people say love is a decision.  Your experience proves that is not true.  Love is a deep emotional connection.

   A decision involves consideration of factors and strategies.  When you buy a car, you consider price, color, and style.  When you are in love, you have a deep connection to the essence of another person.  Love is no more a decision than sadness, grief, fear, or anger.

   You felt you were soul mates.  Your soul is still intact, yet she left.  When we hear stories about people who stayed together through tragedy—not to be martyrs—but because they couldn't imagine life without the person they love, it reveals the measure of what love is.

   Like everyone else with a recent separation pending divorce, you feel bad, but you can't order up love the way you can order up a cheeseburger at a fast food joint.

   To receive the kind of love you desire, you have to be the kind of person who can give the kind of love and respect you desire.  You have to be a person of value, a person who meets life's demands head-on.  You have to be a person living the kind of life which would attract another person of value.

   If you're a sad sack, you guarantee failure in your objective.  If you meet the tasks required of you every day to live life to the fullest, you have the opportunity for love to find you.  That's the magic of love.  You cannot order it up, but you can live a life which attracts it.

   We never know where our opportunities will come from.  An event last August may give you in reality what you thought you had in imagination: a true soul mate.

     Wayne & Tamara

 

Sources:

"Love's Test" - Direct Answers newspaper column August 8, 2005.

"Love" - Direct Answers newspaper column August 22, 2005.