Fast Food
I am in a long-distance relationship with a woman, and we see each other nine or ten times a month when she comes to my city for work. We are madly in love with each other and she has made plans to move closer to me.
When we met we became lovers first
and now are exclusive and serious. However, the problem is she has a lot of old boyfriends, dating buddies, and sex chat friends that still call, e-mail, and text. I have seen messages which ask for sexual favors as if she is a working girl.
She says she no longer sex chats with these guys and they are just friends now. I do not believe it. I fear she is going to continue with this sex chatting and see these guys again. She refuses to discuss or explain any more than “you have nothing to worry about.” Yet I worry. What should I do?
Colin
Colin, let’s assume the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. You walked into her restaurant and realized she has cooked for lots of other men. You found the cooking tasty, but you know many guys might want another one of her meals.
You don’t think she is making it clear enough she will no longer cook for them. That is where your minds diverge. You believe she should make it perfectly clear, and she knows if she made it perfectly clear they wouldn’t still be hanging around the restaurant.
The hitch is, you are looking for a home cook and that isn’t on her menu.
Wayne & Tamara
Actions Speak Louder
Okay, here is the background. Seven years ago I met my husband when I was pregnant with my daughter. He took on the role of daddy. Three years later I cheated on him with a black man and as a result had a baby. My husband took on the role of daddy to him as well.
Today my husband found out I sent a nude picture to the father of my second child, and now I need to apologize to the man I love and who has been through so much in this marriage. He is on the breaking point, and I think he will divorce me.
I want my husband to know I am so sorry, I was wrong, and this is never going to happen again. It’s just that this other man has been coming up everywhere, and my husband is so insecure. How do I show my husband I love him so much, and how do I get trust back?
Malina
Malina, it’s not paranoia when you think someone is out to get you--and someone is actually out to get you. It is not insecurity if you feel you can’t trust someone who has already betrayed you.
Two researchers, Mick Rothbart and Bernadette Park, once gave people a list of 150 traits and asked them how many events it would take to establish each trait. They also asked how many events it would take to disprove the trait. Rothbart and Park learned that the hardest trait to establish is trust, and trust is the easiest trait to destroy.
There is a reason we despise turncoats, traitors, and embezzlers. Cheating triggers a disgust in us we cannot get past. When the cheater is someone we share our intimate life with, it is especially difficult.
The problem with staying with someone who has broken trust is that they are likely to betray us again. Aside from our children, it is usually impossible to reestablish trust in one who has broken it.
You don’t need advice on how to keep your husband. You need to understand why you keep doing this. Unless your husband leaves you, you are unlikely to learn this lesson. Until your husband leaves you, his future is unlikely to change.
Wayne & Tamara
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Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield MO 65801, or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
