Making Mountains
Someone pointed out your column when I ran into a true brain-crusher of a problem. Or maybe I'm making it into a problem. At any rate I finally met a woman who truly fascinates me in every aspect of the word, and she feels the same. The "problem," and it's just me who thinks so, is I am 42 and she is 23.
Okay, that's not much to go on. I'm an Army major on my last tour, looking forward to no more moving around the world. I'm divorced; it wasn't ugly, but it took awhile to get over. I dated a lot the first year or so. In retrospect, I think, looking for a replacement wife. I knew what it was like to spend life with your best friend, and I missed it.
But as time went by and "the right one" didn't come along, I came to the conclusion life was good whether "she" ever appeared or not.
Then two weeks ago I met an amazing woman--beautiful, intelligent, articulate. We began talking, and it was clear we were interested in one another. After awhile, she asked, "So how old are you? 28? 29?" I shook my head. "No, I'm 42. How about you?" I thought she was at least 27 or 28. She said, "I'm 23."
I immediately began backing off emotionally. I decided when I first began dating that no matter how mature the woman, I wouldn't date anyone younger than 25. Why 25? I don't know. Somehow a quarter century seemed like a good rule.
We parted that night when our friends had to go home, and it was a little sad. But I didn't ask for her number. Two days later she e-mailed, and we had dinner. This woman takes my breath away, and according to her, she feels the same.
But would it work? I can only imagine meeting her parents for the first time. I know what I'd be thinking in their shoes. I don't worry about my friends or family--they'd love her. But I hate the thought that she might have regrets later.
Kirk
Kirk, whatever you want to call this--the cosmic flow, mother nature, the patterns of the universe--your mindset that life was good whether "she" appeared or not, put you into the zone. Going with the flow, leaping and expecting the net to appear, letting go--those three things--were exactly what you needed to do.
How do you get in tune with the all, then screw it up? By applying preconceived notions. Do you think the cosmos, mother nature, etc., cares about a number like 25? This is the same energy which makes men peak sexually at 18 and women peak at 35. Don't you think it knows something we don't?
You were willing to let go and let her appear. Now be willing to truly let go, so you can see if she stays. As with any couple, you have to put the big issues on the table: children, religion, and whether your mother-in-law gets to live with you. That goes for couples of any age.
Most married people are close in age, but the divorce rate among those couples is high. So being close in age is not a guarantee of anything. The only caveat is this: you have to acknowledge what the relationship is. Don't ignore problems to push the relationship forward, or make problems where there are none.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. You can no more predict your perfect health until you are 80 than predict her accidental death at 40. What you can do is look at things straight on, see them for what they are, and respond accordingly.
The least which we have in common is our age. The most we have in common is heart and mind. Which do you think matters most?
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 26, 2005)
A Matter Of Time
I am a 14-year-old female in love with a 17-year-old guy. We have known each other for a long time, and he thinks I am pretty but just too young. Since I met him, he has always been a flirt. My friends told him he was leading me on. Both he and I know he was not.
Now he doesn’t talk to me at all. What can I do to get over him or get him back as a friend?
Brittany
Brittany, there is a big age difference between a newborn and a 3-year-old. There is a big age difference between you at 14, and an 11-year-old little sister. But as people age, age becomes much less important. For example, there is not much age difference among people in their thirties.
Your friend thinks you are pretty, and chances are, he is right. Your friend also thinks you are too young, and again, he is right. If you can agree with him, then when you are around him, treat him as a friend. Tell your girlfriends he is a friend, not your boyfriend.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 14, 2000)
What If
I have always looked for older men, but now find myself in love with a man a few years my junior. I have not been this happy since my kids were born. He is very tender and loving, and his family has accepted me with open arms.
I wonder, though, if he will get bored and look for a younger woman in a few years. Am I the only older woman who thinks this?
Doris
Doris, your letter reminds us of the fable called “The Three Sillies.” In it a young woman wonders how dreadful it would be if she married her suitor and they had a son, and the son grew up and went to the cellar, and a mallet fell on his head and killed him.
We can’t live in any moment but the present. The future is not within our control. If things are right between you now, don’t be a “silly” and ruin the present over imaginary fears.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 21, 2000)
Someone Else’s Rules
I am a 29-year-old woman who is intensely attracted to a guy at work. He is 23.
We enjoy chatting with each other and flirt quite a bit intellectually. He does little things for me like buying catnip for my cats and insisting I try food from his plate when we go out with co-workers. I’ve caught him watching me when he thinks I am not looking.
Even though I know he is attracted to me, I don’t know if he’ll ever talk about it. I think the fact that I am older intimidates him. Or perhaps he is just plain scared or too conventional, and I don’t realize it. I am a very honest and direct person, and it is tearing me up to see this isn’t going anywhere.
Is it wrong for a woman to fall in love with a younger man? Should I be the first to tell him how I feel? The books I have read, like “The Rules,” say a woman should never be the first to tell the man how she feels. She should be the one to maintain the mystery and seem less interested. Is this true?
I am so scared I’ll lose the man I’ve grown to respect and love and want so very much. How much longer should I wait? Will bringing up my feelings drive him away? Or am I mistaken about how he feels?
Jade
Jade, we could have gotten a letter like yours from him. “I am intensely attracted to a woman at work….”
Without overstepping the boundaries of the workplace, this man is sending strong signals he is interested in you. He is giving you all kinds of openings. Take advantage of them.
Age doesn’t determine love. You love who you love for the qualities they have which connect with you.
A book which encourages you to play games does not apply to a person as honest and direct as you are. Don’t second and third guess yourself. Don’t play by someone else’s rules.
You can only live happily and successfully by following the feelings which spring from your own heart.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of September 20, 1999)
Numbers
I'm currently in the classic older man and younger woman relationship. I'm 50 years old, Nancy is 30, and we are both divorced. I was not looking for anyone when Nancy came into my life. She is beautiful and sweet, and I absolutely adore her.
I could think of a million reasons why it doesn't make sense to have a relationship with a younger woman. But she doesn't feel that way at all. So why am I writing? At this juncture in my life I simply can't see this relationship in the long term.
I have told Nancy not to waste time with someone like me; I have far less life to live than she does. She insists I have plenty of time left, though I cannot see where this could possibly go and be good for both of us. Am I simply sounding like some insecure, middle-aged idiot, or should I enjoy what we have and see where it leads?
Simon
Simon, if you know something in your own heart that prevents this, or if there is an issue you haven't resolved, such as having children, that's one thing. But if it's simply the idea of the years, the years don't matter.
To suggest the difference in age is the problem implies being close in age would guarantee success. But that is not true. Almost half the couples in the United States divorce, and most of them are close in age.
It is love that is the center of everything, not the number of years since your birth. It is love which creates alignment and balance between two people. What matters is that you love each other and belong together. In addition, there is no guarantee Nancy will outlive you.
Being an insecure, middle-aged idiot is no fun, so we suggest that you enjoy what you have and see where it leads.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 19, 2003)
A Reader Responds:
Unless you have a May - December marriage, you have no right to tell a 50-year-old and a 30-year-old to go ahead and get married.
There is nothing good about these marriages. Woman caught in this situation put up a front because they don't want to admit they were bilked into a painful situation.
True, we could argue this until Jesus returns; Joseph was evidently much older than Mary; however, where was he at the time of the crucifixion? Dead or not there anyway. What does that tell us? Someone else had to take his place: namely, the apostle John.
In social groups, there is no place for May-December marriages. The woman in the older groups do not accept the younger women and the younger groups don't accept the older men.
I speak with authority. I spent 41 years of torture with a man 20 years older than I did, because I did not believe in divorce. Older men have their mind-set established and the wife can either follow or be miserable.
I have yet to see a happy May - December marriage. Sometimes you will hear kids say, "My parents, my aunt and uncle and so on were happy, in spite of the fact that there was a big age difference." Just get the women off by themselves and see what they have to say…it is all a big front.
I chose to be happy in spite of the old goat. I believe like Abe Lincoln. "We are all about as happy as we choose to be." However, why not save the pain of May - December marriages before they happen?
Been there,
Luella
Luella , we are sorry you spent "41 years of torture" with a man 20 years older, because you did not believe in divorce. There is an age difference between Tamara and me, and we could not be closer or happier.
The following is a letter we received from Spain in response to the age difference column you wrote about:
“Simon, I am sure you are going to get a rush of letters telling you not to be foolish. In our case (Harry 82 & Patricia 60), we met when I was 57 and Pat was 35. At first I did not want her to know my age thinking the same sort of things as you did. My daughter informed me that she already knew my age.
“After that small fear was over, we married and spent the last 25 years having a wonderful loving relationship, which we hope will carry on forever and ever. So take our advice and give "Nancy" the chance to make you both happy for the next 25 years and beyond. Harry”
There are three important things to remember about age difference relationships. First, both parties should be old enough to have experienced life. Both need to be adults. Second, neither party can have a problem with the difference in years. And finally, the two must have that connection between them which makes them right for each other.
Very frankly, we believe the problem in your marriage is your husband's personality, not the difference in your ages. We have known many happy couples with a significant difference in age. It is less common, but in some of these couples the wife was the older partner.
We are pleased that you have chosen to be happy "in spite of the old goat."
Wayne
(Private reply)
Gifts We Bring
My husband and I are a May-December couple. We met when I was 25 and he was 46. We have a wonderful relationship in every way.
I admire the maturity he brings to our relationship, and he admires my youthful energy that helps keep him young. He introduced me to music and movies that were not part of my generation, and I taught him the importance of an open mind when it comes to new fads, culture, and technology.
Our families and friends have accepted us. They tell us we radiate love. Our philosophy is that there are so few chances in life to be truly happy, so if you see a chance to be happy, grab onto it with both hands and never let go.
Neither I, nor my husband, have been married before or have any children. I am now 31, my husband is 52, and we've been married five years. We are expecting our first child in June 2005. We are both extremely excited! However my husband is concerned about raising a child at his age. Where can we find information about support groups for older dads?
Morgan
Morgan, congratulations! Your husband doesn't need a group for "older" dads. What he needs is a group for first-time dads. Ask you obstetrician for all the groups in your area and pick one. Don't fear or worry. You already bring the most precious gift to your child: a depth of love for each other.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 17, 2005)
