Bleak House
For 18 years I have been married to my college sweetheart. We have two wonderful children. My job includes limited travel, and my husband is often invited to join me.
I am the primary parent, so I am responsible for school stuff, house stuff, and getting the children to sports and friends’ houses. They are great kids, and I enjoy their company. Throughout our marriage my husband has been a frequent and heavy drinker, and he was the proverbial fraternity boy in college.
We’ve had lots of arguments, as well as long discussions, about this problem. Within the last two years, he has mostly stopped having dinner with us. He often works past 7 p.m., comes in to change clothes, grabs a beer, and heads for the deck to read the paper and do the puzzles.
This begins his night of consumption. I don’t know how many beers he drinks, but he is obviously intoxicated when he comes into the house at the end of the evening. When he comes through the house to get a beer, he will walk past us with them in his pockets, like he is trying to hide them from us. He will sometimes buy a case to stash in the shed or laundry room.
Each time I ask him to travel with me, he becomes intoxicated at the bar or dinner function. I quit taking him on my annual visit to see my parents because he drinks so heavily. In the past two weeks, he got drunk at a holiday party and a baby shower. I feel completely powerless. He doesn’t appear to care who witnesses his behavior, except he does not drink in front of his mother.
He completely denies he might have a drinking problem. However, his skin and teeth look awful. He will not see a doctor or a therapist. Our daughter commented last week that if he continued drinking, he was going to die. She obviously knows what is happening to him.
If we separated, I would take the children and move closer to my parents. He doesn’t seem to fear that happening. Is this a midlife crisis or alcoholism? I know it is possible that I might not be asking him the right questions, but what are the right questions?
Caroline
Caroline, the questions don’t matter. What matters is that drinking is more important to him than anything else in life. He is a full-blown alcoholic. His behavior may continue unabated for years, even decades. In fact, that is the likely scenario.
If you confront your husband, what changes can you expect? None. It might start some nasty exchanges, but his drinking will continue. Perhaps in five or seven years he may admit to a drinking problem, and when that happens you will think you’ve scored a victory, until you realize he just said that to get you off his back.
Jump ahead another few years. Now he is making a few feeble efforts to quit, but he falls off the wagon for months at a time. Then another five years pass. He is sober. But when you think about it, you realize he is still an alcoholic. No, he’s not drinking, but he still has those elements of personality you detested while he drank. This is a bleak picture, but if you stay with him, it is a realistic one.
Consider the effect on your children. Compared to other children, your children are far more likely to be chronically depressed and nervous. They are far more likely than other children to show a lifelong pattern of failure.
But you have the power to save them from that. Unlike many women in your situation, you can change their future. You can move closer to your parents and free your children from a bad family environment without suffering any serious financial consequences. That is what we strongly suggest.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 1, 2007)
Spirits
I was looking for the miraculous "answer to my life," when I came across your column. I don't have anyone to ask for a neutral opinion so I am hoping you can give me some insight.
I met my husband when I was 18 and started dating him when I was 21. In 1991, shortly after I moved in with him, he lost his license for drunk driving after a Christmas party. I always had an excuse for him. His parents were alcoholics, well-known in town for their successful businesses and lack of success in family life.
Fast forward to three years ago. The kids were affected by our arguments and knowing "daddy drinks too much." One night my husband actually dropped our son on his head. I finally had it. I gave him an ultimatum. If he wanted to sulk about the past and drink, he could do it without me and the children.
He vowed to quit forever and checked into rehab and did counseling. We moved to a new town with new friends. I don't expect perfection, but I do expect honesty and he can't tell me the truth. He claims to go to AA meetings in towns that don't have AA meetings. How can I respect or be intimate with someone who lies?
On top of that he has an anger problem. Not physically, but sometimes I wish he would just hit me. As crazy as it sounds, it would make my decision easier. As I type this, man, it seems so clear. I have to get out of here, but I grew up not believing in divorce.
Sharon
Sharon, you say you don't believe in divorce as if you are saying you don't believe in ghosts. But divorce exists, and it exists for a reason. When one person in the marriage won't participate, and the children are being damaged, that is a reason for divorce.
Even now you are excusing your husband. You say he lost his license after a Christmas party. Christmas has nothing to do with it. He was drunk. He is still drunk.
There aren't any miraculous answers to your life, but there are realistic ones. You've tried patience, understanding, rehab, and counseling. It hasn't gone anywhere. You cannot expect a different outcome, unless you try a different strategy.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 16, 2004)
A Trick Of Memory
In the spring of 1998 my husband of 20 years left me and our children. Three months later the legal divorce was a done deal. Seven days after the divorce, he and the woman he left our family for were in a wreck. She was driving, and he went through the windshield. They were stinking drunk, bloody, and injured.
An off-duty police officer was the first person on the scene. The police officer, first responders, and paramedics could not keep them at the scene until the highway patrol arrived. My ex-husband and his girlfriend hitchhiked with a stranger to escape being prosecuted for drunk driving and driving without a license.
Roughly 12 hours later my husband decided he was really hurt and went to a chiropractor for an x-ray. His neck was broken. They went to a local emergency room, and he was admitted to hospital. The neurosurgeon told him he was lucky to be alive. My children and I were not permitted to see him because his girlfriend called security on us at the hospital.
Three months ago I met someone who loves me. I like and care for him, but I don’t love him. Should I? I’m not sure I will ever be able to love anyone the way I love my ex-husband. Luckily I didn’t ask for financial support from him. I knew better than to expect anything from him on a regular basis. There is a card or letter occasionally, but it has been over a year since he has seen his children.
Some days I can’t believe my husband threw away our family for a life of drugs, alcohol, and parties. Shouldn’t a 43-year-old man know better than this? My husband was a drunk driver for at least 25 years. That was the only thing wrong with our marriage. I have been in therapy, and they said I was better off without him.
I have great kids and a great job to support us comfortably, but the kids and I are still not a “whole” family. Will we ever feel whole again? Or can we learn to accept his departure?
Cindy
Cindy, come on. You’re not telling the whole truth. Your husband was not just drunk driving for 25 years. He was drunk dating, drunk marrying, and drunk parenting. Your fantasy of a “whole” family has virtually no resemblance to reality.
Your husband isn’t the problem. He’s gone. The problem is the way you remember the past. Your marriage wasn’t the perfect reflection of perfect love. It was a disaster, held together by extraordinary effort on your part.
This problem is all about you, and that is good news. When a problem involves others, it is not within our control. When a problem involves us, it is solvable. You married a man with a serious problem of chemical dependency. The “whole” you long for is a whole you never had. Admit it.
You are whole now. You are taking care of your children and meeting all your responsibilities. Stop trying to recapture a phantom and move into the future. You can feel whole again, but first you must let go of the past.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 22, 2000)
A Life To Live
Our daughter is 27 and has a severe alcohol problem. The last two years have been nightmarish. At last she is in a flat so we have a peaceful home, although my husband and I still brace ourselves waiting to hear of an accident or some other tragedy involving our daughter. Thank God she has no children.
The pattern has deteriorated into her drinking 11 or 12 days and then being hospitalized when her body can't take any more and she goes into withdrawal. We take her to hospital as she has fits when she withdraws, and these fits can be dangerous.
My husband and I are feeling low and know no end. We try and keep each other up. Others have come off the alcohol. She doesn't find AA helpful, and the alcohol services here are depleted in resources and personnel. We have joined a family group and are helping to restructure it to make a difference in the help drinkers and their families get.
Victoria
Victoria, the power you wish you had--the power to keep her from drinking--is the power you do not have. The power is in your daughter's hands.
The power you do have is the power not to let your daughter's problem destroy you and your husband. So far it hasn't. But why do you feel so defeated? Because trying to stop her from drinking is like trying to stop it from raining. How long can you try to stop the rain before you are worn out?
You can't help but feel overwhelmed when trying to stop something you have no power to stop.
If something happens, you will want to think that the one time you didn't show up for a meeting, the one time you didn't check on her flat, makes you responsible for what happened. But you are wrong. It won't be what you didn't do, it will be what your daughter did. She is her own destroyer, not you. If a man drives too fast, who is responsible for the accident? He is.
Your daughter knows what happens when she drinks. When she is sober, she chooses to drink. She is in control of her own life. You will want to say, "No, she isn't." But she is. You know why she is? Because neither you, nor your husband, nor anyone else can stop her from drinking. Perhaps one day she will choose to stop drinking, but given her current actions, that day may never come.
You and your husband still have to live your life. That is what you are here for. Create the best possible life you can for yourselves.
Tragedies happen. They are not on our calendar of wants. But no matter what the tragedy, we go on living the best we can.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 8, 2004)
Call To Action
I need some advice, please! I've been married to the same man for 11 years. He's a nice person when he's not drinking. However that isn't very often.
He drinks on a daily basis. Sometimes it's four beers, sometimes it's 12 or more. He drinks alone and then gets verbally abusive. He tells me I could never make it without him. I would have to live in a cardboard box. He calls me names, then tells me he loves me and will never let me leave.
He had a terrible childhood. He was adopted and his dad left his mom for another woman. He hasn't gotten over his anger, but he won't seek any type of help. He denies there is a problem. My husband saves most of the good stuff for me, but he's verbally abusive to our two children as well.
I've been to Al-Anon and talked to counselors. I tried to draw him back into the family, but he keeps pushing us away. I feel it's best to separate from him. Maybe the realization will make him take control. It's sad when your children wake up in the morning and ask, "Is Dad in a better mood, or do we need to be careful?"
Esme
Esme, your kids are living in a crazy, unpredictable environment. Walking on eggshells is affecting their development, and it will damage their future.
Their emotions are cycling between fear, bewilderment, anger and embarrassment. Children raised in this environment often become people pleasers who judge themselves harshly and have a hard time following through on projects. They likely will have difficulty disclosing their feelings to others, and they likely will live with a constant feeling of dread.
You have no power to change your husband's behavior. Only he can change it, and if he ever changes, he will do it for his own sake. Until he is tired of being controlled by anger and alcohol, he will not change.
At present he can be abusive and drunk and still maintain his home and family. He has no incentive to change. There are no consequences for continuing as he is, and there is no reason to assume a separation will make him take control. If he changes, it may be long after you leave.
Your highest duty is to your children. They have done nothing to deserve living in this kind of home. Your next duty is to yourself. You can't live a normal life with this man. There is one more duty. That is the duty your husband owes to himself not to waste his chance at life. But that is a duty only he can fulfill.
Proceed with your decision to leave, and take steps to ensure your safety and that of your children.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of February 3, 2003)
Another Victim
When I read Esme's letter, it immediately took me back to my own childhood when my mother would warn my brother and me, "Your father is on his way home, and he is in a bad mood today."
What she called a bad mood was the effect of drinking, and we would actually hide in closets from him. Growing up in that volatile environment has affected me, even today. I relate intimately to the grown-up children you describe: people pleasers who judge themselves harshly, with constant feelings of dread and a need to be secretive.
I want to tell Esme that not only did this impact my relationship with my father, but with my mother as well. I will never understand why she didn't see what staying with my father did to my brother and me. I will never understand why she didn't protect us.
Sometimes understanding "why" an alcoholic drinks can lead to excusing it, and I would stress to Esme how detrimental this can be. If she does not leave for herself, she should at least leave for the children.
Beth
Beth, thank you for caring enough to share your story.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of February 17, 2003)
Party's Over
I have been with a man on and off for 10 years. He is an alcoholic, and I am a recovering alcoholic. We broke up nine months ago. I know we love each other. His friends all say we were meant to be together, but we can't make it work until he sees his problems. Please advise.
Kathy
Kathy, the movie "Days of Wine and Roses" is a classic story about an alcoholic couple. The man, Joe Clay, stops drinking and hopes to stay with his wife Kirsten, if only she'll stop.
In a climactic scene, Joe confronts her about what their life was like. "You remember how it really was?" he says. "You and me and booze--a threesome. You and I were a couple of drunks on the sea of booze, and the boat sank."
Joe found something that kept him from going under--sobriety. He tells Kirsten, "If you want to grab on, grab on. But there's just room for you and me--no threesome." But Kirsten won't grab on, so Joe leaves her.
You're trying to stay sober while living with an alcoholic. This threesome cannot work.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of October 10, 2005)
