Cutting The Cord
I am of Indian descent and come from a very good family background. A boy from abroad has asked for my hand in marriage, and my parents accepted his offer. We are expected to marry early next year.
My parents say I will finally get to love this boy, but in my heart I know I never will. I am madly in love with a boy no one knows about. Our relationship is a secret. I love only him and no one else, and if my parents found out I would be in big, big trouble.
If I sat down and talked to my parents, they would explode because they are old-fashioned people. Wayne and Tamara, I love my parents as well as this boy no one knows about. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't know who to please.
The reason why I write to you is because I think only the two of you could help me. I am 18 years of age, and my parents don't want me to work so I am still a minor.
Devi
Devi, whether one believes in arranged marriages or not, one thing is clear. Arranged marriage belongs more to the human past than the human future.
Slavery was a common feature of the ancient world, but it is an unusual one of the modern world. In the same way, arranged marriage is becoming less common. In marriage, as in other areas, things are moving toward more choice, more freedom, and greater self-determination.
Some people argue that arranged marriages are more successful than freely chosen ones, but it is not a fair comparison. Arranged marriage is often enforced by the threat of expulsion from the family, the social group, and the culture. How does a young person stand up against that?
To be put in this position in itself means you are now an adult woman, not a minor child. You must make a choice and that choice, though difficult, will give you the solution. But you must be willing and prepared to accept the consequences.
The first thing we suggest is don't marry your boyfriend to prevent this forced marriage. He may, or may not, be the right one for you. Then decide whether being pushed into a marriage by your parents is an act of love on their part, or simply the desire to have their own way. Finally, consider what it would mean for a woman to be intimate with a man she does not love.
People are more than breeding stock, and going against your parents' wishes doesn't make you a bad child. It is not a reason to disown you, though that may happen. You are simply a woman who needs time, and the freedom, to decide on her own future.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of June 25, 2001)
Whose Decision
I'm very disturbed these days, and if it continues, I might get mad soon. I am 28. I recently went to see my parents in India and met a girl for marital purposes. I got convinced by my parents and family she is a perfect match for me.
In an impulsive moment I said yes and got engaged. Very soon afterwards I realized I don't like her, and there are major compatibility and personality issues between us. Now my parents and her parents are pushing for marriage as soon as possible.
I tried to speak to them and the girl about all the things going on in my mind. From that moment on I was like a rebel in the family, and everyone is against me. They want me to marry this girl. I told the girl I want to call it off, but she doesn't agree to my theory.
I know deep inside me it's not going to work, but at the same time I love my parents and don't want to make things ugly. If we marry, I can see we will both live a miserable life as I won't be able to develop love for her, and it will end in a dreadful divorce.
Ajay
Ajay, what a way to step into marriage! You thought you were going home for a family visit, and your parents thought they were planning the rest of your life. You don't like your prospective bride, and now you have to weigh why this decision does not belong to you.
In these circumstances many people cave in. In an odd twist of fate those forced into marriage often become defenders of arranged marriage, just as those hazed joining a fraternity enthusiastically haze new members.
You would like to find a reason which will silence all arguments on the other side, but the more you justify yourself, the more they will wear you down with counter arguments and "success stories." The problem with letting other people make decisions for us is that we, not they, have to live with the consequences.
The only thing they can't argue with is, "No." There is no appeal from a simple no. The worst thing your family can do is disown you. But they can only do that once. If you accede to their wishes now, they can use the hammer of disapproval over many other issues.
You have to decide what your life will be. That is part of growing up and becoming an adult. When you make your own decisions, good or bad, you will feel life is under your control. There is a sense of justice, a deep sense of fairness, in a life lived this way.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 5, 2003)
True Colors
Hi, my name is Yasmin and I live in Pakistan. I am 23 and engaged to a cousin of mine who lives in the United Kingdom. We are getting married in two weeks, but I have this problem and hope you can give me good advice.
Our marriage has been totally arranged. It seems like we are falling in love, but there is one thing which creates much bitterness between us. Mansoor, my fiance, came to visit me during my brother’s wedding six months ago. Had he not come, things would have been so much better.
We did nothing to harm him, but he hates my family and that is the problem. He comes from a family of much politeness and etiquette. When he was here, he felt unwelcome and insulted. We took good care of him, but as you know, with a wedding and so many guests, some people feel neglected.
How can I get him to forget and forgive us all? I said I was sorry. What more can I do? He keeps coming back to those issues. He says my background is uncultured. What if he keeps going on about this all my life. I can’t bear it.
Three months ago he tried to break off our engagement. Our favorite aunt patched things up, but I am afraid one day he will tell me, “I never wanted to marry you in the first place. I accepted you only because of auntie.”
What is my future going to be like? I just want to start afresh. How can I make him stop complaining?
Yasmin
Yasmin, there is no reason to regret Monsoor coming to your brother’s wedding. It gave him an opportunity to show you his true colors. When a sincere apology is tendered and not accepted, it reveals the character of a person. What it reveals about Monsoor is not flattering and your heart knows it.
It is difficult enough hoping love will come after an arranged marriage, but Monsoor dislikes you and your family and has tried to break off the engagement. How can this work out well?
If he is bitter, if he throws his dissatisfaction in your face every day, your life will be wretched. Your husband is supposed to make you feel better about yourself, not worse.
The only thing the two of you may agree on is that this marriage is ill-advised. We have listened to many people, men as well as women, tell us they knew before the ceremony they were making a mistake, but it was too late to back out. We hope it is not too late for you.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 16, 1999)
