Reality Check
Two years ago I made the greatest mistake of my life. I started dating a coworker. She is this beautiful young girl that totally captivated my world when I met her.
As time went by I realized we have almost nothing in common, including music, food, sports, movies, and outdoor activities, to name just a few. Worst of all, there is no passion between us.
Furthermore, I do not feel welcomed at her house, and I don't fit within her circle of friends for two reasons. I'm seven years older and come from South America. Although I learned to speak English, I have difficulties saying what's on my mind, and when I mispronounce a word, I become the clown of the crowd.
When I mention how we aren't meant for each other, she becomes very emotional and begs me not to finish it. You may wonder, what's the big deal, just break it up if it's not working. I don't find that easy. We not only work in the same place, but she sits next to me.
I have the kind of job that comes only once in a lifetime. It would be hard to quit, but it would be hard to break up and see each other unless I quit. She is a wonderful girl, but we aren't meant for each other. It hurts me more than anything when she asks if I love her and I lie through my teeth. What a mess, eh?
Javier
Javier, you have nothing in common, there is no spark between you, and her friends belittle you. That is the reality. She wants the relationship to continue. That is unreality. An ancient prayer says "lead me from the unreal to the real." That statement applies to everything, including relationships.
The relationship you two have is not a job relationship. It is a personal relationship. You don't need to give up your job over this, but if you don't act, what happens will come back to haunt you. Accept that there will be some discomfort at work for awhile.
Your letter reminds us of so many others. One man told us he just needed a date to a fraternity party. He inched toward marriage with a woman he didn't love, and they created two children. A woman recounted how she begged her mom, when her suitor called, "Tell him I'm not here!" They married and had four children.
Each marriage ended in divorce. Each divorce was initiated by the person who wanted the marriage. Realize that a person who prolongs a relationship you don't want, will leave the relationship when they no longer want it. That is the path you are on.
Wayne and Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 16, 2002)
Out Of Tune
I was married for 19 years before my recent divorce. I met a lovely man, a really lovely person. We dated twice, but unfortunately there is no chemistry there for me. I don't feel sexually attracted to him, so there is no reason to continue seeing him.
Since I am so new to the dating world, I am out of practice in kindly discontinuing seeing someone. Can you suggest the kindest way to say goodbye that will minimize hurting this lovely man's feelings?
Daryn
Daryn, not every piece of music moves every person. Not everyone likes Shakespeare, and we don't all have the same favorite color. This man may have a beautiful melody, but it is for someone else's ears.
Be sweet, nice and complimentary to his personality, but be absolutely sure to let him know the relationship is not going to go where he wants. Don't go anywhere near "let's be friends." He will feel you are leaving an opening for him eventually. That's cruel. Clear is less hurtful than nice, for both parties.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of July 15, 2002)
A Necessary Act
How do you break up with someone without hurting them?
Desiree
Desiree, trying to end a relationship without hurting the other person is like a doctor trying to set a broken arm without inflicting pain. The intention is not to hurt but to heal the situation.
What is the alternative? You can’t allow bones to knit together in a way that makes the arm useless and misshapen. You can’t allow someone to believe a relationship is continuing when you know it is over. Delaying the pain makes the pain greater.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 16, 2000)
Short Story
I've been seeing this fellow for three years. Lately he tells me we "lost" something. I think we are good together. What should I do?
Deana
Deana, isn't three years long enough to wait? At what point do you say it's been long enough?
There's a progression to a relationship which is going somewhere. It is like a story in which the characters develop and grow. If the characters realize a deep mutual love, their paths converge and they become one. But when the story doesn't build, women need to realize they are just as free to move on as men.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 22, 2005)
Misadventure
I am a male, 32, in a relationship with a nice girl for five years. Over the last half year we've discussed whether we are meant to be life mates, and we've even gone through counseling to solve some nagging issues. At this stage, though I love her dearly, I'm not feeling passion or convinced we are soul mates.
I was just back home visiting family. As I checked out at the local organic grocery store, the cashier and I agreed we looked familiar. In a brief exchange at the register we realized we went to school together. Later that day I remembered my huge crush on the girl who sat behind me.
She was so different than the other girls I knew, a brilliant combination of kindheartedness, intelligence, beauty and coolness. Even at that age she had direction and purpose in life. Anybody who knew her had the sense she was going to do good in this world someday.
That premonition was dead-on accurate. After finishing college she spent a few years in the Peace Corps and is now finishing nursing school. I tell you this to demonstrate what a tremendously gifted and kind person she is. That night I was flooded with emotions, remembering my big crush and falling in love with the idea of who she had become.
Next morning these emotions ruled every second of my being. Despite butterflies in my stomach and nervous adrenaline, I went back to the grocer. I said I was fascinated to hear more of her life and offered to buy her a cup of tea. She gave me her number, and we agreed to meet.
Unbeknownst to her, I postponed my departure on her account. I called hoping to see her that evening, but she said she'd got her days mixed-up and promised to visit her fiancé's parents. I don’t believe she made the story up, but I was crushed. On the phone I was dumbstruck and couldn't find another time before my departure.
My life has been plagued by personal and family misfortune, and I thought this chance meeting was no mere accident. It was fate. I thought finally in life I was catching a break and something great was about to happen.
Would it be appropriate to send her a letter? I want to tell her how remarkable she is, how amazing she is to help mankind, and, of course, how I had and have a crush on her. But then what purpose would it serve? Is it fair to disrupt her engagement considering I haven't seen her in 15 years? Or do I have an obligation to my own fate to connect with her?
Adam
Adam, there are two ways of interpreting what happened. Let's call them the Tolkien theory and the law of parsimony. The Tolkien theory, named for the author of "The Lord of the Rings," suggests a mystical union of time and space brought you and your former classmate together. A thousand things came into play for this to happen, and like Frodo, you are now on a heroic quest upon which much depends.
The law of parsimony, however, suggests the simplest explanation is usually correct. Your former classmate crossed your path to show you what you didn't learn in counseling. You don't want to be with your girlfriend.
While we don't exclude the possibility of the miraculous, we're inclined to go with the obvious. When a cop pulls you over for speeding in a school zone, it doesn't mean you're supposed to become a policeman. It means you're not supposed to endanger schoolchildren.
You haven't dated this woman, slept with her, met her family or lived with her quirks. You cannot think "I'll straighten out my life if I get to have her." But you should think "I need to end sexual contact with my girlfriend and stop telling her 'I love you.'"
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 27, 2005)
Not Enough
I am in a relationship that is still fairly new. He and I have things in common, but our feelings toward this relationship are not mutual. He treats me exactly like I want to be treated, but I don't have a strong desire for him.
Not that he's unattractive or anything like that, it's just I feel that it's a bit rushed. I am tired of casual dating and I want something solid, but not overnight. He also does and says everything he thinks I want to hear and not what he really feels.
My sister thinks I am selfish and unappreciative, but that's not really the case. She tells me to keep him, he's a good man. I already know that, but I don't feel he's the good man for me.
Nora
Nora, without your sister's influence, we doubt you would have written. You have examined your own feelings and come to a reasoned conclusion. It is not enough that he is a good man.
Maybe you are wiser than your years and wiser than your sister. It is not selfish to end a relationship which is wrong for you. To act from what you know is right takes character.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 1, 2003)
No Good-bye
I am currently in a relationship with a girl who lives a few hours away. She is a singer and is either recording or singing someplace. Although she hasn’t done any major appearances yet, she wants to break into the big time.
I haven’t been able to speak to her recently. I’ve tried all methods, including phone calls, e-mails, and text messages. I don’t get any answer. I understand fully that she has a busy life. My fear is that we are drifting apart, and I am considering ending the relationship to take the stress off both of us. Should I end it, or try to tough it out?
Gary
Gary, you know your girlfriend is not in danger, critically ill, or dead along the side of the road. If you suspected any of those things, you would have called the police, her family, or local hospitals. You also know she is too busy even to send a message saying “I’m all right,” or “I miss you.”
In your heart you know what she is doing, she is doing with intent. Her silence tells you everything you need to know.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 2, 2000)
A Bitter Pill
I've been dating a wonderful man for a year now. Last Tuesday he called me and ended our relationship, saying, "I'm not sure about myself and my ability to give you the life you deserve. In order to save you from hating me later on, I have to do this."
I am incredibly shocked, while I do thank him for his directness. How can I get over this? What steps shall I take? We've spoken once since the breakup, but it was just a "how was your day" type of conversation. That was a joke. Please help me. I am unable to sleep.
Susan
Susan, you are grieving. Something has died. A hope, a dream, a plan for the future. There are three parts to getting over this. First, knowing what it is; second, getting through the process; and third, time.
There are many excellent books which can help people through the grieving process. One easy one, which has been around for awhile, is How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Colgrove, Bloomfield, and McWilliams. It is not the kind of book you sit down and read cover to cover. It is a book to pick up whenever you need comfort.
The book is arranged with one and two page stories, quotations, suggestions, and thoughts. As the authors say, "One thing I forgot: after the pain of parting comes the happiness of healing; rediscovering life, friends, self. Joy."
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 2, 2005)
He Loves Me Not
Me and my boyfriend recently split up. It was amicable, but he turned nasty, said he hated me, and erased me from his mobile. Then he decided he would like to be friends. To make matters worse, he keeps telling me he misses me and still loves me. I feel like he's messing with my head. Is there any advice you can give me in order to either get him back or to move on? I feel like he's playing games.
Alice
Alice, your ex-boyfriend has you pulling petals from a daisy. With the first you say, "He loves me." With the second you say, "He loves me not." He has you wondering which answer the final petal will yield. He has you playing games.
With a true love the flower isn't destroyed. All the petals are intact. But when someone makes you play this game, know that the final petal always is, "He loves me not." Accept the answer and move on.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 12, 2004)
