Death Of A Marriage
On Friday I will be moving out of my large four-bedroom, two-bath, two-car-garage home. I will not see my kids every day, and I believe this is the end of my 12 year marriage. I keep hoping the move will restart our relationship.
The cause of the move is my wife’s rediscovery of my cheating. The first time happened after I infected her with trichomoniasis. We both cried and were hurt. She promised to forgive me, and I promised never to cheat again. I also agreed not to look at online pornography. I understood looking at porn or cheating again would mean the end of the marriage.
I failed. It wasn’t because I didn’t love her. I think it was an addiction to sex and taking my wife for granted. My viewing of Internet porn started a month after my wife agreed to make the marriage work, and this led me on a downward spiral.
I can’t explain it, but going back to the prostitute again was a form of closure for me. I needed to dominate the woman who started everything to unravel. The act was pleasurable, and she was more animated than my wife. I left feeling vindicated and that I never had to return.
My movements became more secretive. Last Tuesday I looked at Internet porn at work, wrote down numbers of some ladies, and planned to call and get pricing. I kept telling myself I just wanted to hear their voices, but I was collecting them. I put the paper in my shirt pocket to call them on the commute home.
I was going to dispose of the paper before I got home, and none would be the wiser. Well, I forgot and my wife discovered the paper. She told me to move out by Friday. I didn’t argue. I started packing and sent a quick e-mail to the pastor who counsels us.
My fear is there will be no way to make up with my wife. I continue to ask for another chance, but her heart is cold to me. She says I can come over for dinner and have the kids stay at my new place, but I don’t know how to win her back.
Tim
Tim, some things, like electricity, are hard to understand. Even though we use electricity every day, most of us cannot say what it is. Nonetheless it follows basic laws, and if we violate its laws, electricity can kill us. In the same way, there are basic behavioral laws, and if we fail to follow them, they will kill a relationship.
No one would suggest you get to live in a house you cannot pay for, receive a paycheck you didn’t work for, or get a perfect score on a test you didn’t study for. Why do you think you get to keep the wife you were unfaithful to? What has happened follows behavioral laws which are almost as predictable as the laws of electricity.
You brought home a sexually transmitted disease, but you could just as easily have created a half-brother or half-sister for your children. You got to experience adultery and moments of pleasure, and now you get to experience separation, divorce, and perhaps, making payments on a house you don’t get to live in.
Everything that happened is based on what you decided to do, but you can’t say that about your wife. You will end up divorced because of what you did, but she will end up divorced because of what somebody did to her. She was in a real marriage, the marriage of “we.” You were in a false marriage, the marriage of “I.”
An ancient Chinese maxim says, if you are out for vengeance, dig two graves. The same might be said of your infidelity. Your infidelity dug one grave for you and another for her.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 23, 2006)
No Victors
Last Friday night I was caught with another woman by my girlfriend. When my longtime girlfriend came to my house, I told her I was going to bed early. She suspected something and came back to find this woman in my house. We had been cheating for about a year. The other woman didn't know either.
My girlfriend had a fit. She cursed me up and down and told me she wanted to hit me. After about 30 minutes of that, she left. On the way out she keyed my car. Then the other lady had her say. Mostly she could not believe I would do this to her.
I felt as low as I could feel. I felt so bad for my girlfriend. It hurt me so bad. I finally realized she is what I was searching for in a woman. I need her in my life. But she may never speak to me again. She may never look at me again with those big eyes. That thought feels like a knife cutting me inside.
Why did I do it? I look back now and know it was because of ego and lust. I didn't go after the other lady. She came after me. I backed off several times, but she kept coming so I gave in. When that woman asked me several times if I was seeing someone, I said I had a friend but nothing heavy.
This was hard on me, very hard. I carried around a lot of guilt which made me angry toward my girlfriend. My girlfriend knew something was up. She also kept telling me if I was interested in someone else to tell her. But I didn't want to lose her.
I told my pastor, and he prayed for us. He tried to call my girlfriend, but she would not answer the phone because she thinks it's me. Now my question is, how do I get my girlfriend back?
Matthew
Matthew, there's an old saying that there are no atheists in a foxhole. For a year you did something your religion tells you not to do, but did you see your pastor then? No. You saw him after you got caught. Ask yourself if the god you worship isn't the god called self-interest.
You seek to use your pastor as a Trojan horse, but the Trojan horse was not a gift. It was a trick. You want to use your pastor to get your girlfriend back. You want her to forgive you. But forgiveness does not imply she needs to take you back, and she would be foolish to do it.
You would still be cheating if your girlfriend hadn't caught you. You blame the other woman even though you lied to her. That woman thought she had a boyfriend, when all you were doing was using her for sex.
If you don't suffer consequences, you won't learn not to do this again. You will learn you can cheat and get away with it.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 6, 2004)
The Innocent Party
Ten years ago, I am ashamed to say, I had an affair with my husband's best friend. My husband and I stuck it out, and I am happy to say we are still together.
The problem is this. A few months ago my husband went to this former friend's house to have a beer with some men from work. When I found out, I was very upset. After talking it over, my husband said he understood why I was upset and promised not to do it again.
Tonight, on the way home from picking up our son at daycare, I drove past this friend's house. Who did I see sitting at the picnic bench in his yard? My husband, the former best friend, and another man.
I am upset all over again. I told my husband I do not want this man in our lives, and that he is pouring salt in the wounds. He said he won't do it again, but that is what he said last time. I don't get it. Isn't this weird behavior on his part?
I should mention about six years after the affair, this friend took it upon himself to "clear his conscience" and tell my husband. That is how my husband found out. However, his best friend did not feel compelled to tell his wife at the time about our liaison.
Viveca
Viveca, there is nothing weird about your husband's behavior. His best friend was forcibly expelled from his life. He wants things back as they were before.
This man's presence reminds you of the affair, but his absence from your husband's life reminds your husband about the affair. You want to punish your former lover for telling, but paybacks don't work when you are the one in the wrong.
It is your husband's choice. You are trying to turn the tables on him for the very thing you benefited from, staying in a relationship. Are you afraid the bond between the two men is stronger than your marriage?
Two terms are being used loosely here. A "wife" doesn't sleep with her husband's friend, and a "friend" doesn't sleep with his best friend's wife.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 29, 2001)
Criminal History
Can a second marriage succeed if both parties cheated on their spouse in the first marriage?
Alex
Alex, is there honor among thieves? That is what you are asking.
There is an honesty to ending a marriage when you don't love your spouse and don't believe the marriage should continue. Divorce may not be a pleasant thing under those circumstances, but at least it is an honest thing. There is a creepy, under-the-rock, loathsome quality when someone breaks the vow of fidelity while holding to the convenience of the marriage.
That's what occurs when you start a new relationship before ending the previous one. You crave assurances the cheater won't cheat on you, but there is no assurance of that. It's hard to live in the present while watching your back.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 30, 2004)
The Life Of A Double Agent
Okay, I know what I’m about to say sounds bad, but I could really use a nonjudgmental opinion, so please be gentle on me.
Here’s the deal: I’m 24 and have been married for a year to a great guy. Problem is, I am having an affair. This is not the first time I have cheated on him. I dated someone seriously while he was working overseas. I thought after we got married my infidelity would cease, but I recently met someone and it started all over again.
I love my husband, but I just can’t help thinking if I really loved him, I wouldn’t do such things.
The guy I am seeing is a lot like my husband: smart, handsome, ambitious, with a great sense of humor. He tells me he is falling in love with me. I have very strong feelings for him too, although I can’t quite put a label on them yet.
My husband doesn’t know about the last affair, and of course he doesn’t know yet about this one.
What is wrong with me? Why do I do such relationship-risking things? My husband and I do not have a bad marriage. We get along great and he loves me very much. Somehow, it just isn’t enough.
I would sincerely appreciate your advice. I can’t talk to anyone I know about this so I’m turning to you. What should I do?
Veronica
Veronica, of course you can’t talk to anyone. You’re a double agent. Deception, schemes, subterfuge, and covert action are part of your daily life. No one knows who you really are. To be a successful double agent you can’t be loyal to anyone, not even yourself. How else could you live this life?
It’s time to get out of the espionage business and find a country you can love and be loyal to. Your letter is not only a letter of resignation, but a request for help to make the transition to a better life.
Two lies are holding you where you are. You say you and your husband don’t have a bad marriage, and you say your husband loves you very much. Your husband doesn’t know who you are. He loves who you pretend to be when you are with him, the lies you tell him, and the secrets you keep. He doesn’t know you married him with only a hope marriage would make you faithful.
Without truth, trust, fidelity, and love there is no marriage. Marriage is for two people who bind themselves to each other, excluding all others, for the rest of their lives. How is this possible? Because each knows this is the person I am absolutely myself with, the person who puts all others out of mind.
With the right person, you don’t lose yourself, you become fully yourself. With this person you can accomplish miracles. When you feel these feelings for another, when another has these feelings for you, that is love. That is the basis for marriage.
Veronica, it doesn’t matter what your parents did, what your childhood was like, or what you are trying to reenact. You can’t change the past but you can let the past ruin your future. You know what you are doing is wrong, and no excuse will overcome that knowledge.
This sense of what is right and what is wrong is your beginning. It is what will keep you from making the same mistake again and again. It is your ticket to a new life.
To stop living this life of lies, you must take whatever comes from telling the truth. You cannot make excuses, minimize, or try to deflect any of what may come because of what you have done. It sounds like bitter medicine. But continuing the life you are leading now is far more painful.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 23, 1999)
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