Home For The Holidays
In my husband's family, family members send Christmas cards to other family members (parents to children, brothers and sisters to one another, etc.) even though the family always spends time together at Christmas for a meal and gift exchange.
My husband and I do not know of any other family that does this. We both always understood Christmas cards were for family members one would not be seeing because they live too far away, or that Christmas cards were sent from one family to another.
We do not send Christmas cards to members of my immediate family we will be seeing. Which way is correct from an etiquette point of view? Or are they both equally correct? Are we breaching his family's tradition by not "cooperating" because we will be seeing them at Christmas?
Anita
Anita, which is correct--opening presents on Christmas Eve or opening presents on Christmas Day? From an etiquette point of view, they are equally correct. The same applies to your card question.
Your husband's family tradition is the less common, but we know people who send cards to family members close at hand. Somerset Maugham said, "Tradition is a guide not a jailer." The same might be said of etiquette, and common sense supersedes them both.
Tamara is not sentimental about cards, but she will give cards to those who especially enjoy receiving them. Because your husband's family enjoys this tradition, consider following it with them and following your own tradition with everyone else. That solves the awkwardness of receiving a card without giving one.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of December 8, 2003)
A New Strategy
My mother-in-law drives me crazy! She is an antisocial, critical, know-it-all who can't find anything decent to say about anyone but herself. Every time she comes to visit it puts such a damper on my relationship with my wife, it takes us days to recover.
We have never really gotten along, but lately it has gotten much worse. She left yesterday after a week's visit, and my wife and I didn't talk the rest of the day.
My mother-in-law barely gets along with her own sisters who live next door to her, and she is estranged from her own mother. She has only two friends in the whole world and no social life. She spends hours each day watching television and doing genealogy research.
When we got married 11 years ago, she said, "Don't call me mom, and don’t expect me to love you more than my own children."
She divorced her husband after eight years and four children. She then devoted her life to her kids, to the exclusion of the rest of the world. She constantly talks about what we can and should do with our house, our property, and our money. Every time she comes over she points out things she thinks are wrong in our house.
The final straw came during her second to last visit. She blamed me for telling her to park at a train station where she got a parking ticket. I wasn't with her at the time, and I didn't tell her where to park. But she told my wife, "If I hadn't listened to your blankety-blank husband…"
This last visit we borrowed a suitcase. The handle was damaged during baggage handling, so she had it repaired and we paid to get it fixed. In the meantime she damaged the interior of our car, which she borrowed, and never mentioned it. Then my wife wonders why I resent my mother-in-law.
This woman constantly criticizes her nieces for bad lifestyles, yet she never talks about her two kids, the crack addict son who steals from his dad, and the living-on-the-fringe daughter who was imprisoned twice for credit card theft and fraud.
I try to be polite, but her constant bad behavior puts a damper on my best intentions. It doesn't help that I don't have a sparkling personality myself. I have a reprieve until Christmas. Help me get this under control before then!
Kirk
Kirk, we don't believe in rewarding bad behavior with good treatment. Not only will that not discourage bad behavior, it worsens it. You have seen that for yourself. You have been polite, and your mother-in-law's behavior is getting worse.
It is as if you have been thrust into a boxing ring against your will. An honorable boxer wouldn't hit an unwilling person, but your mother-in-law hits below the belt, throws kidney punches, and bites in the clinches. You have had enough provocation to at least defend yourself.
You can't change her, but you can change how you deal with her, and that may mean fighting fire with fire. It may sound harsh, but when your mother-in-law criticizes you, inquire if her daughter is turning her life around. When she accuses you of things you haven't done, ask about her son's rehab.
Or on a more subtle level, you could give her books about how to be a good guest, a good friend, and a good person. She could also use a good book on manners. Your mother-in-law needs to understand that negative comments about your life will be met with negative comments about her life. By the same token meet any positives from her with positives from you.
Self-centered people view politeness and good manners in others as a weakness they can exploit. There is only one strategy which is likely to work for you. Make this a Christmas your mother-in-law will remember.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 3, 2003)
Full Disclosure
I hope you can talk me out of this bad feeling. I watched the Michael Jackson program where he was talking about how he was treated by his father. I had hushed the bad memories to the back of my head, but this program brought them flooding back.
I was brought up in Ireland with a mother and father. All I remember of my childhood was my mother beating me for nothing. I was beaten three or four times a week with a hurley stick, but she was so nice to everyone no one would have believed the terror we lived in.
I had to get my brothers and sisters out to school while she stayed in bed. If I did not leave the kitchen spotless before I went to school, I got a beating when I came home for lunch. We had tiled floors, and at the weekend she would hand me a box of Brillo soap pads and tell me to scrub. If I missed one tile, I got a beating.
We were never loved, kissed, or cuddled as kids, and never a nice word spoken. My father left home when I was 17, and so did I. My mother lives with my sister, and I see her Christmas. She never has anything to say to me. My sister said if she talks to my mother about the past, she says she does not remember.
Now in my fifties, I feel I wasted my life away living in a shell I built around myself. I have been with the same man for 25 years now and find it hard to talk about my feelings. I have a few close friends, but they don't know about my childhood.
I don't think you can help me, but just putting pen to paper helps.
Brigid
Brigid, spending Christmas with your mother must be like spending Christmas with the assailant who battered you, stole your purse, and was never punished. Just laying eyes on her hurts you. You had to mother yourself and that is very difficult, but be grateful for the shell you created. It allowed you to survive.
If you tell your close friends, it will give you even more release than writing this letter. It will be hard for you to tell, and hard for them to listen. It was hard for us to hear your story, and we barely know you. But telling them is the place to begin.
Telling your friends will allow you and them to be more honest in general conversation. It will help them not to make comments which may unintentionally hurt you, or to ask what you are giving your mother for Christmas. You may, however, have to discourage them from heading to Ireland with a hurley stick.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of April 21, 2003)
The Rest Of Her Life
My sister has gone through a year-long, painful divorce after 26 years of marriage. They have two grown children and two grandchildren. Her ex-husband married one of the women he cheated with.
Their daughter insists that despite the divorce, they will have "normal" holidays. She has invited both parents to her house for Christmas, on condition they must be civil and nice to each other or they can't come back.
My sister was devastated by the divorce, and her daughter doesn't seem to understand what kind of position she is putting her mother in. How do I tell my niece she is being unreasonable without severing my ties to her?
Faye
Faye, your niece has decided to play Switzerland and act like a neutral party. She wants to pretend the holiday will be a greeting card moment, even though that is make-believe. This situation springs from a conflict which was not resolved to everyone’s satisfaction.
In addition, though her father was unfaithful, this daughter may take his side. If that is the case, you won’t sway her. Women are hard on other women. As Tamara says, “There may be a brotherhood of men, but there is no sisterhood of women.” That sounds hard, but think about it.
Give your sister all the support you can, but understand there is no easy way to change your niece’s decision. She wants to give orders about how the holiday will unfold, though she can’t predetermine what will happen. If both parents are present, it may turn into a dogfight with tears, shouting, and accusations.
The real issue is your sister’s relationship with her ex-husband. Situations like this will come up again and again. Deciding this one, will decide them all. She must decide what her relationship to this man is. That is the only thing within her power, and it is completely within her power—how she chooses to react to this man.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of December 4, 2000)
No Excuses
In December, 1998, my husband confessed to me that he had an affair with a younger woman. To this day I still find it hard to “be with him.” He told me so many lies and deceived me so often, how can I ever trust him completely again?
He did this to me at Christmas time, so this year I found it hard to celebrate Christmas but I got through it! Whenever we are “together,” I find myself picturing him and her and I end up crying. Since the affair happened I have been on medication for depression, and I am still on it today.
We have gone through counseling and neither the counselor nor my husband can figure out why he did it! Shouldn’t there be an answer to why? We hadn’t even been fighting when he had the affair. I thought everything was going great. Do you have any advice for me?
Piper
Piper, the one thing that makes marriage different from all other relationships is fidelity. It is the sign you are united mentally and physically with someone else. Having an affair reduces intimacy to just having sex, and that is why you keep seeing your husband with the other woman.
Your husband did what he did intentionally. He won’t give you an honest explanation because he knows how you would react. Perhaps you should be grateful your counselor hasn’t offered psychological alibis to excuse his behavior and obscure the issue. In a sense, there is nothing to counsel. What he has done, can’t be undone. You can’t unbake a cake.
Now you have to decide what is right for you. No “why” will make what he did acceptable.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 24, 2000)
The Menu
My husband and I are working on 12 years of marriage. We have relocated several times for jobs, but are finally settled down (we hope!). My mother-in-law says we are keeping her grandchildren from her by taking this job and moving where we are. We live nine hours away from his parents, which is closer than we’ve been in years.
Last year because we were unemployed we went to their house for Christmas. This year, now that things are financially mended, we are hosting the Christmas shindigs. The family will be here Christmas Eve and Christmas night, and I planned on taking care of everything as hostess.
My mother-in-law told me she is bringing Christmas dinner. Then a couple of days later she said she is going to bring the meal for Christmas Eve as well. Now, I am in no way incapacitated, ill, unable, or unwilling to cook. I had reserved a prime rib and a ham and planned on all the fixings to go with them. Now both will go unused, so she can bring lasagna and a small pork loin roll.
That’s not enough to feed everyone. My husband says let her, but I don’t feel it’s right. As a hostess I feel insulted. As a daughter-in-law I feel encroached upon. I don’t want to set a precedent for future holidays or visits. I also don’t want to offend her. Is she being helpful or overbearing? And how do I tactfully discuss this with her so as not to make matters worse?
Sara
Sara, in your own home you never give in. Because if your home is not your haven, your castle, and your refuge, then you are homeless. You are right about setting a precedent you cannot live with. In a situation like this the hostess tells the guests—whether they be family or friends—what will be served and when. If someone wishes to bring another dish, it can be placed as a side dish to the main fare the host and hostess provide.
Your mother-in-law can rule the roost in her own home, but she doesn’t get to rule the roost in yours. As in dealing with children, be firm, fair, and consistent. Simply state what the meals and mealtimes are to be. That is your absolute right as a hostess.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 20, 2006)
The Perfect Gift
I have been married almost four years, and it is the second marriage for both of us. My husband's family lives in another town, and we travel there once a year for a huge Christmas celebration.
Our first Christmas as a married couple his mother gave all the females a bottle of Bath & Body Works lotion, except for me. I decided it was no big deal. I could buy my own! Then for our gift she gave us a photo album. In the album were several pages of my husband's wedding to his first wife, but none of our wedding.
I was so upset that we left and flew home. His parents never said anything about it. Last December his mother had a new genealogy book, and in the book was information about his first wife, where she was born, when they married, and information about their two children. There was nothing about my son or me.
I was hurt and have no plans to see his family again. I feel they don't approve of me or our marriage. They are old-fashioned Catholic, if that has anything to do with it.
My problem is my husband plans to go there without me. He says he doesn't approve what his parents have done, but they are old, his parents, and he should visit. My husband is non-confrontational. He hasn't said anything to his parents about their actions, and a family member told us the word is that I am "too sensitive."
It hurts me terribly that my husband is going there without me. How can I get over my hurt and anger toward my husband and his parents?
Petra
Petra, your husband is an adult, and you are not going to change how he feels about his parents. How his parents are is the norm for him. They are the only parents he has ever known. There is no point in being angry with him.
How your in-laws treat you is more wrapped up in their religious belief than in anything which relates to you. Their son believes in divorce and remarriage. They do not. By their beliefs, he is still married to his first wife, and your child has no blood connection to them. They may even feel it is their duty to get him back to his first wife.
By social convention people avoid public discussion of religion because it typically devolves into "your belief is wrong, come to mine."
Your mother-in-law gave you a family album which expresses her beliefs. Give her an album which expresses yours. Include baby pictures of your son, pictures of you growing up, and pictures of you, your husband, and your son as a family together. A picture of your family, beautifully framed and matted, would also make an excellent Christmas gift.
Absolutely go to this annual gathering and go with this attitude. My husband loves me. I love him. We love my son. As a family unit we are going for Christmas to my in-laws. Go, enjoy, and be happy together as a family.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 31, 2005)
I'll Be Home For Christmas
I have been married 25 years. We come from completely different backgrounds. I grew up in a large family in a small town, and we were poor. My husband is an only child, privileged, and he was given everything by his parents. This continued throughout all our married life.
The house we moved into, against my wishes, is theirs. It was "given" to us when they retired and built a home in a warmer climate. However, the deed remained in his parents' name, and they came back every summer for a visit. For me it was a nightmare.
I work full-time but arranged time off to get everything in immaculate order for Abigail, my mother-in-law. It was never good enough. It was always a white glove inspection with her rubbing her hands across my kitchen counter and glancing at her fingertips. She even poked her head up inside the fireplace.
She would say, "Oh, honey, you need to clean your mirrors," or "I rewaxed your floors because I didn't think they were clean enough." When she asked how I liked my house, I would say I didn't really think it was mine. She would smile at me and say, "No, it's not, is it?"
One year after they arrived and we were having dinner, I made a grammatical error. I said "me and Linda" instead of "Linda and I." Abigail rapped her spoon on the tabletop screeching, "Honey, Honey, Honey! It is not me and Linda! It is Linda and I! Linda and I! Linda and I!" I was so stunned and embarrassed I excused myself from the table.
My husband and my father-in-law just dropped their heads. As usual, what Abigail did was "for my own good." The following year she brought me a grammar book.
I adored my father-in-law. He made me feel special. He would put his arms around me and tell me how much he appreciated me putting up with them. My husband would say, "That's just my mom." So I quit trying to fight her for the sake of my father-in-law and husband and to keep the peace.
Three years ago when my father-in-law died, something happened inside me. I felt so much anger at Abigail I wanted to stay away from her. Last Christmas I didn't want to go see her. Abigail went berserk saying, "How will this look to my friends?" So I went.
Within 24 hours she started in on me, as always, after my husband left the room. This time I called my husband back. It shocked my husband to see his sweet mom screaming, but when she saw she wasn't going to get away with it, she switched like a light bulb. She hugged me and told me how much she loved me. The rest of our visit she was as nice as pie.
It is Christmas again, and we are scheduled to return to her house. I've asked my husband to go alone, which he thinks is a horrible idea. I am on antidepressants and scheduled for therapy after the first of the year. Am I being selfish?
Melanie
Melanie, the Greek playwright Aristophanes said, "The wise learn many things from their foes." Last Christmas you learned two things from Abigail. You learned she would be embarrassed if you refuse to visit, and you learned she will not confront you in front of her son.
If you can stay home without doing serious damage to your marriage, that is one possible course of action. But there is another answer. Can you distance yourself from the situation? Can you decide in a perfectly calm, cool manner that you will go, but if your mother-in-law is not nice as pie, you will confront her in front of her son?
Abigail has shown you that you can alter her behavior by standing up to her. The power has shifted.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 29, 2004)
