Time's Up
I am a 29-year-old male. I have been in a great relationship for six years, this summer would have been seven. The only issue we had between us was my reluctance to vocally tell her I would commit to marriage and children in the next two years.
I have never been married. We both still live at our parents' house. I believe my problem committing to marriage has to do with my older brothers' experiences. Both went through messy divorces with children involved.
Soon I will be moving into my own home, after a long delay in construction. I have been working hard to build a nest egg so my partner and I would be comfortable for the rest of our lives. I always knew I would be with her forever, but I could never admit it to her. Strange, isn't it?
Many times over the last few years she brought up the question of marriage and children. Each time I changed the subject or put down the idea saying I didn't know. I now know how much that hurt her. She asked the question again two months ago. Little did I know it would be for the last time.
I have had time to reflect on my situation. As I said, I always wanted to be with her, I just had an issue with communication. I am now ready to open myself up and speak my feelings.
I have sent letters and spoken to her on the phone. She has not responded to anything. I am confused. We were considered the perfect couple by all that knew us.
Someone told me if I persist too hard I might push her away. For the past few weeks I have not contacted her, but she said when she read my letters she would cry. Every minute that goes by is like a year, it's so hard. I can't let go.
Rick
Rick, there is an observation which doesn't hold true all the time, but is true so often it's scary. When a relationship like yours goes on for years and years without engagement or marriage, one of the parties doesn't want to go to the next level.
If you truly felt you made a horrible mistake, you would have bought a ring and gone to her on bended knee. When you peel the onion a little farther, when you look into yourself a little deeper, you will find why you didn't.
When a man wants something, he wants something. He wants to make it his own. You didn't want to make her your own. And she knows it. Give her back her life. If you really care about her, let her go.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of August 20, 2001)
Point Of View
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. He was married for four years, and from what I've been told, it was a pretty bad marriage. I've never been married.
I have a daughter, 2, from a previous relationship. I now have a 5-week-old boy with my current boyfriend. We act like we are married, but marriage doesn't seem to be getting any closer. I want to get married so badly, but anytime I bring it up he gets defensive and ignores me.
I'm starting to think it will never happen. Why can't he just commit?
Daryn
Daryn, when you go to a job interview and don't get an offer, it's not because the employer has a commitment phobia. It's because he doesn't want to hire you. Regardless of what your boyfriend says to you, he doesn't want to marry you.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 8, 2006)
Like Versus Love
I've been in a relationship with a loving, sweet man. From the start we spent a great deal of time together, usually at his house because he has a lot of issues with panic attacks and driving. As time went on he told me he loved me and could see spending the rest of his life with me.
I thought he was incredibly hot, and to be honest, I could not keep my hands off him. A month ago I woke up one morning and felt numb. Everything that seemed perfect about him before seemed imperfect. I started analyzing him and finding a million things wrong. I even started dreading his daily calls.
He did nothing wrong, I mean, he's been the same person all along. Why do I feel this way? My friends think I may have commitment issues.
Samantha
Samantha, we had a golden retriever named Einstein. He had hip dysplasia and arthritis, even as a youngster. Some might have seen a million things wrong with him, but we never did because we loved him so.
With this man you narrowed your focus to the pleasurable elements, but at the first inkling of making this permanent, you were forced to see the rest of him. That's not a commitment problem. That's realizing you don't want to own all the things you see wrong with this man.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 3, 2005)
False Fronts
I am almost at my wit's end. I have been in a relationship with my fiance since I was 17. He is the father of my three children, and I love and adore him. The problem is I don't think he respects me as a person.
My opinion doesn't matter to him if it's not agreeable to his. He disagrees with me about close to everything. He puts me down as a parent because I don't do things the way he does. He defends himself by saying "that's the way I grew up." But when I use the same argument, he says it doesn't mean my parents were right.
We've always managed to work through the hard times, but sometimes when he invalidates my feelings, I want to leave him. My friends say it's just how some men are, stuck in the Stone Age. It leaves me feeling nothing I do or say is good enough.
I don't want to end up losing myself for fear I'm not pleasing him or doing what he says. Am I making too big a deal out of this, or is there a problem here?
Linda
Linda, it is said that when Catherine the Great toured Russia by barge or by coach, she glimpsed only picturesque, tidy villages in the distance. The villages were actually mobile, false fronts erected by her minister Potemkin. They concealed from her the misery of her subjects.
Every now and then your inner self looks at the Potemkin village of your "engagement" too closely and realizes it is a facade. Your inner part is who wrote us. Now you must decide what you want.
Which side of yourself will you follow? The part which accepts the lie, or the part which wants what is real. Your future depends on doing what is necessary to change your life.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 24, 2001)
