Communicating A Lie
My girlfriend and I were madly in love when I packed up and moved to Las Vegas. She followed soon after. I knew when I left I didn't have anything to worry about. She came to Vegas, and we started our lives. Two years later we got married and bought a house. Two years after that her sister and husband came to Vegas on their vacation.
Before they arrived, out of the big blue sky my wife said, "Honey, I have something to tell you. On my last night before I moved here I had a get-together with friends at my sister's house. We had a few drinks and after a few hours everyone left." So I say, "After four years you tell me this. Why?" She said, "I just wanted to be honest." I was thinking, Yeah, right.
So I said, "Who was there?" She mentioned some names. I said, "Is that all?" She said, "Yes, honey, I swear on my parents' graves." So I let it go and didn't think anything of it. Two years later she comes out and says, "Oh yeah, my ex-boyfriend was there, but nothing happened and I didn't sleep with him." I about dropped my drawers.
Here I felt I had the perfect lady, and now this. I asked her to explain to me the night's events step-by-step. She became defensive, angry, and told me it's in the past. Don't worry, she said. Well, why tell me six years after she hid it from me, when her story isn't consistent enough to believe?
I still haven't found out what I want to know. It always turns around on me. Why can't she come clean? What is she afraid of? She preaches to me about communication but doesn't follow her own standards.
Karl
Karl, your letter reminds us of the story about a monastery where monks take a vow of silence. Only once each year is a monk permitted to speak. One year a monk said rather harshly, "Pass the salt." The following year his brother monk replied, "I don't care for your tone of voice." The year after that their abbot scolded, "All this bickering has to stop!"
Your wife tried to protect herself in case her sister spilled the beans. That didn't happen. Now your wife regrets mentioning the subject. In spite of herself, however, the truth keeps trying to pop out of her mouth.
Communication skills are sometimes said to be the key to good relationships. But rather than teach women to drink beer, poke each other in the ribs, and watch football on television--as men do--men are told to express themselves verbally as women do.
The evidence this strategy works is weak. In reality, people have different aims, and these different aims are the root of the problem. Your wife has a guilty secret. Perhaps she or her sister will tell you, or perhaps you will learn that good communication is what people want only when it serves their own interest.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 3, 2006)
Asking The Wrong Question
I am looking for some advice on how to handle heated moments. I try my hardest to remain calm and keep my voice lowered, but my partner ends up waving his arms and using a host of tactics to argue instead of dealing with the issue at hand.
Usually I start by saying, "When you do that, it makes me feel like…" His response is usually something like "you're being irrational" or "that's a bit harsh." He says anything to invalidate my feelings. I don't know how to word my feelings so he sees they really are an issue for me.
Jenna
Jenna, the tactic of saying "when you do x, it makes me feel y" has been around for years. It can only work when the other person is as earnest and honest about communication as you are.
You believe there is a way to word things so your partner will understand and respond to your feelings. But there is another possibility, the principle known as Occam's razor. Sometimes this is interpreted as "the simplest explanation is most likely to be true."
The simplest explanation is this. He understands every word you say. He doesn't care about your feelings and is successfully communicating that to you.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 15, 2002)
The Reason Why
My fiance and I have been together almost four years and have a son. Last year we were supposed to be married, but he cheated on me and called off the wedding. After I started dating someone else, he changed his mind and decided I was what he wanted. We went to see marriage counselors, and they made him see that communication is the key to any relationship surviving.
My fiance wasn’t raised to talk out problems. He was raised with the attitude a man can walk all over a woman, and she is supposed to support him no matter what. Well, I do not agree to being a doormat, and he knows this.
Once we got back together, we planned another wedding for May, 2000. We moved to a new home, started a new life, and things were going perfectly. Then three weeks ago he started acting strange again. He said he didn’t love me. When he said this, I took it to heart. After waiting a few days I called the church and canceled the wedding. My fiance didn’t care.
Last night at midnight he called me at mom’s, begging me to give him one more chance. When I called off the wedding, I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I feel like I made a mistake, but I can’t figure out why. What do you think?
Ginger
Ginger, it’s time to put to rest the old canard that communication is the key to a relationship. It isn’t. Bullies, for example, are masters of communication. They clearly communicate that they will make your life miserable! But this successful communication doesn’t mean you have a good relationship with them.
The key to relationships is connection. When you feel a strong, unwavering connection to another, you have the basis for marriage. What have you told us about this man? He has been unfaithful, he belittles you, and he said he doesn’t love you.
Your ex-fiance is good at communicating. His words and actions show he doesn’t feel connected to you. If you stay with him, your life will be a seesaw with you mostly up in the air. Your son will learn to accept this kind of relationship as the norm.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of February 21, 2000)
