The Fork In The Road
My boyfriend and I have come to a crossroads in our relationship because we have very different views on marriage. We have been together for two years and are best friends. Unfortunately, we disagree on where we want this relationship to go.
Marriage seems natural to me, but my boyfriend believes living together is the same commitment as getting married. He has always been supportive of me, and I feel if I force him into marriage, he will resent me for compromising his values. The only thing is, he expects me to compromise my values to be with him.
How can we work this out so that we don’t lose each other?
Victoria
Victoria, you have reached a fork in the road. You want marriage. He doesn’t. You could follow his path for awhile, or he could follow yours, but in time one of you will be resentful.
The real crossroads you have reached is whether this relationship continues. After a child or two, or after years without a marriage proposal, one of you will come back to this fork in the road and say, “If I hadn’t compromised what I knew was right for me….”
It doesn’t matter how good your friendship is, what he wants is not what you want. Friends can be friends after choosing different paths, but partners have to be on the same path.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 22, 1999)
Flight Delay
I have been dating my girlfriend for four years. Our desired lifestyles differ. I've always had a strong desire for social relationships outside of our relationship. She, on the other hand, only requires a lifestyle which includes me. Outside of work, she spends all her time with me.
This difference could be overshadowed by our love, but she too often conveys intolerable negativity when my desire for society doesn't correspond to her desire to be solely with me. Sometimes she is sad. More often she portrays frustration and anger. She says mean things, makes unpleasant facial expressions, or clams-up.
Her negativity leads to my intense stress. It is difficult to judge whether it's worse being void of social relationships, or if it's worse dealing with her negativity. We've had conversations, arguments, fights, negotiations, and compromises to end this negativity, all to no avail.
Strangely, every time she exudes her negativity, it's as if we never discussed the matter. I regret not taking advantage of my social opportunities. When I look into the future, I fear how these regrets might evolve. It is painful to imagine our relationship continuing on the path it's currently on. The difficulty arises when figuring out a way to change it.
Andrew
Andrew, Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, made an interesting comment about the Wright brothers. He said, "They knew if they solved the problems of balance and steering, they could fly."
That statement applies as much to life as to flying. We are meant to fly. Not just some of us, but all of us. But first we must solve the problems of balance and steering. We solve the steering problem by moving toward people who support and encourage us, and by moving away from people who are negative.
We solve the problem of balance by filling ourselves with all of what we need, and by not letting one person or one thing overwhelm our lives.
You are having recurring, brand-new conversations with your girlfriend because you are making zero impact on her. You want to fly and she wants to ground you, but trying to ground you won't keep you. What is the point of flight if you can't leave the airport?
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 20, 2004)
Skin Game
I'm a 37-year-old mother to one child, and wife to a 40-year-old husband. On my 35th birthday I did something I wanted to do for some time. I got my first tattoo. It is three roses on my lower back, each rose to represent each person in my wonderful family.
When I first told my husband I wanted to do it, he said absolutely no. I stood my ground. I didn't think he should tell me what I can or can't do with my body. The bottom line is I did it against his wishes. I love that tattoos are a way to express yourself, and this was my way of expressing how much my husband and daughter are the joy of my life.
The day I got it done my husband didn't want to look at it. As time went on he had no choice but to accept it. I have to explain we have a very healthy marriage. We have the usual little arguments here and there, but overall, we are a very happy couple who live a wonderful life in a beautiful resort community.
I know he adores me, almost to the point where it's not equal. I am attracted to him, of course, but I don't always express it as much as he does. He's always telling me how beautiful I am, and he loves to "show me off" to his guys at work. He's really a wonderful husband, we have great communication, and he is my best friend.
Here's my dilemma. I've been wanting to get another tattoo, smaller than the first. He says, "No way." I really want to but feel if I do, I'm going to be pushing it with him. Do I give in and not do something I feel passionate about? Or do I get the tattoo and hope it doesn't rock the boat with our marriage?
Melinda
Melinda, Alfred Hitchcock is sometimes given credit for inventing the term "McGuffin." In movies the McGuffin is what everyone is fighting over. In a movie about a cat burglar it's the diamonds; in the "Maltese Falcon" it's the statue. In itself the McGuffin doesn't matter much, and as the story moves forward, it matters less and less. It's real purpose is to get the action going.
A tattoo is the McGuffin in your story. You say the rose tattoo symbolizes your love for your family, but what will a second tattoo symbolize? Your husband thinks you're pretty as a picture, and you want to scrawl on the canvas. If he gets over a second tattoo, will you keep pushing the issue until you look like the illustrated woman?
Before you get more ink pushed under your skin, ask yourself what the real issue is. Another meaning for the word "tattoo" is a drumbeat used as a signal. You're sending a signal to your husband about an issue which is more than skin-deep.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 4, 2006)
