Unalienable Rights
Five years ago I married someone wonderful. Two years ago I had my son, our first child. I gave up my job to stay with the baby, and now I am a full-time, stay at home mom. My son is wonderful, but I feel cheated and upset that I'm no longer independent.
I now have to ask my husband for everything, including money for underwear, which I find upsetting. He sees nothing wrong with this. I've handled my own money from the age of 15, and I'm now 27. Everything he wants seems important and needed, whereas what I want is second or not important.
A month ago I asked for money for new clothes. He said the amount was outrageous, and he had things around the house that needed to be done. I haven't said anything since. A few weeks ago he told me he's having a rack made for his Jeep. Is this at all fair?
It seems all I'm here for is to cook his meals and look after our son. I feel neglected and taken for granted. I was told by my mother-in-law that my place is in the home caring for my husband and son. I am lost as to my purpose in life. Every time I try to talk about how I feel, my husband says I'm being negative. I feel I'm about to go completely mad.
Raine
Raine, each of us needs to grow and expand, to express what is in us. If we are unable to do this, our feelings and frustrations will surface in ways which are destructive to ourselves and others. You are not being negative. You feel your husband is trying to keep you in a diminished or childlike role.
We understand just how vital this issue is for you. First, decide what your goal is. Do you want a certain amount of money to spend at your discretion? To return to work? Or to have joint decision making about all expenditures?
Once you have decided, tell your husband how important this issue is to the survival of your marriage. You need to make your husband face this issue because your happiness, and his, depend on it.
The Declaration of Independence says that among the unalienable rights of men are "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." People need to find happiness. There is nothing trivial about finding fulfillment. It is in our nature to do so.
All the pain in this world is caused by unhappy, thwarted, frustrated people. Happy people don't hurt other people. They enrich the planet and bring fulfillment to others. That is why your happiness is so important.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of March 18, 2002)
