Conspiracy of Silence
I'm hoping you can help me with a moral problem that crops up every now and then in my personal and professional life. Sometimes I find myself being blamed for an error or lack of judgment that actually occurred on someone else's part. For example, I asked someone at work about using a certain location for a display, was given the go-ahead, then chastised for using that location.
When the only way I can defend myself involves pointing the finger at someone else, I'm in a real quandary. I am rarely prepared to defend myself if it means making someone else look bad. I handle the problem by saying nothing. I simply don't know what to say.
There is usually ample opportunity for the person responsible to come forward, but I find that hardly ever happens. How can I handle this type of problem without taking the low road of attacking others? What is the moral or ethical thing to do?
Karla
Karla, each of us has principles of behavior rattling around in our head. These principles range from the Golden Rule to Miss Manners' etiquette to the Boy Scout Creed. Often we are not sure which principle to apply.
The principle you are applying here is the playground and schoolyard rule which says one shouldn't snitch to a parent or teacher. It is not an ethical rule so much as a rule children employ in play. A much more basic rule applies. That is the rule which says, in simple justice, each of us deserves to be known for the person we are.
Your lack of explanations makes you look guilty. Coming forward and explaining why you acted as you did should not be a moral or ethical problem for you. It is simply a matter of fact. If you acted because Sheila told you to do it that way, or the employee handbook says to do it that way, or you have always done it that way and no one told you otherwise, you are simply reporting a fact.
You should look at this as an impersonal matter, much as if you are reporting the time or the weather. When you report facts in these situations, there are three rules to remember. The three rules are: don't apologize, don't apologize, and don't apologize. An apology is due when you have done something wrong; no apology is called for when stating the reality of a situation.
Karla, you don't have an ethical problem here, but the people who know the truth and remain silent do.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of January 12, 2004)
Call Of The Wild
A male coworker continually touches everyone's food. For example, at an office birthday party, he walks over to the cake, runs his index finger the entire length of the cake where the frosting is really thick, then sticks a big glob of frosting in his mouth.
At another meeting, six cups of Diet Coke are poured and sitting on the table and the person pouring the drinks is waiting for the foam to go down. This man walks over and sticks his finger into all six claiming "it will help the foam go down." At a team lunch in a nice restaurant someone asks him to pass a roll. He reaches in, grabs a roll, and hands it over after cramming the other rolls in his mouth.
People make comments and ask him not to touch the food, to no avail. We're tired of racing to the food before he gets there and paws it.
Ashley
Ashley, animals, birds, and fish mark their territory. Like miners in a gold rush, they know whoever holds the territory gains the power. Your coworker is trying to establish dominance and control over the team. His actions say, "I rule you guys." Not only are his actions unappetizing, but his unwashed hands spread germs.
His behavior needs to stop, but reasoned discussion isn't getting you anywhere. Why not take a lesson from the animal kingdom and apply it to your problem?
Wolves in a pack are ruled by an alpha male and an alpha female. The alphas dominate the others and enforce rules in their territory. When a challenger wolf appears, the rest of the pack lie back and let an alpha take over. The alpha lets the intruder know in no uncertain terms who owns the territory and has the power.
Your employer is the alpha in your workplace. He or she owns the territory and has the power to enforce the rules. Your coworker doesn't have the rank or title which allow him to rule over the rest of your group, so he is trying to steal rank by marking the food of the team.
He is violating the food of the "pack" and usurping the power of the alpha. Let your boss know you need protection. Anything that hurts his pack, undermines his authority and hurts his team. That's why the pack loves and respects the alpha, and looks to him or her for protection.
If your rank in the "pack" is not high enough to approach the alpha directly, clip this column and send it to your boss with the intruder's name.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 31, 2005)
Upper Hand
I interviewed for an executive assistant position with a new company. The job involves working for three of the company's vice-presidents. After I was chosen I was asked to come in and sign an offer letter. The human relations manager told me vacation time was negotiable. The offer gave me two weeks after 90 days. I asked for three.
The human relations manager then spoke to the senior vice-president, a man who is to be my direct supervisor. When he questioned her, he asked if she told me two weeks was more than the usual a person gets when hired. She told him yes, which was a lie. So, by covering her ass, it made me look bad.
My first thought is, if this comes up in conversation, I will be straightforward and say, "I was told vacation time was negotiable, so I asked her for three weeks." Do you think I should leave the subject alone, bring it up on my own, or tell him if asked?
April
April, the zoologist Desmond Morris observed that we spend a great deal of time exploring our higher motives and an equal amount of time ignoring our lower ones. You want to view the personnel manager in terms of honesty, integrity, and ethics, but there is another way to see her actions.
For decades psychology has ignored the concept of dominance, but it is a daily fact of our existence and our awareness of it starts when we are very young children. In any group of people or animals, some individuals hold a higher rank than others.
You are about to work for three high-status individuals. As a new hire your rank is low. The personnel manager, faced with a choice of appeasing a dominant individual or protecting a low ranking one, yielded to power. People caught in the middle typically lie when cornered. Viewing this from the most base level, her behavior is not surprising.
The best thing to do is let this go and hope it is forgotten. If you bring up the issue, you will be confirming you asked for three weeks, which will not be seen as a positive in your bosses' eyes. It will make you seem greedy and demanding. From their point of view, you are a tool to ensure their success. They do not want you missing in action.
You have also been shown you cannot trust the human relations manager. This means you should never trust her, and it also means you should never let her know that you don't trust her.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 14, 2005)
A Plan Of Attack
I feel I am at the breaking point. I work at a small school and run the office. I do all the financials, secretarial work, and reception duties. While staffing has increased in the classroom, it has not in administration.
I shared my feeling with the principal on Monday and clearly stated things must change. Teachers need to take more responsibility for their own tasks instead of bringing them to the office via students or teacher aides.
The principal gave a huge lecture to teachers about overloading, looking out for each other, and making sure family life has priority. I felt better. Then he told me he was leaving at 11:30 a.m. and in future would take every Thursday off!
That automatically increases my workload. I resolved not to work overtime, which is usually unpaid, but yesterday was so busy I needed to in order to get my real work done. Everyone else left early!
I enjoy the job and need to work, but no one takes me seriously including my husband who tells me how wonderful I am. I am tired of being superwoman. We have children and visitors from overseas for several months, and I feel any day I will lose my mind!
Blake
Blake, you are hardworking, clever, and do your job well. You need to use that cleverness and work ethic to devise a solution.
You've done the most important thing by talking to the principal. He's already given the speech. In fact, he took a page from what you are feeling and applied it to himself. That sounds awful, but it frees you to act without having to explain your position to everyone.
Your job is like a square box. It doesn't matter how many people want to put more in the box. When the box is full, it is full. Once other people understand that, they will go look for another box.
Begin with your main duties and center your day around these items. Each time someone brings other work, decide if you can reasonably do it. If you can't, send it back or offer to show that person how they can do it for themselves. At quitting time, the box is full. Grab your purse and go.
On Thursdays, explain the principal is unavailable. Don't offer to take messages or handle the situation yourself. At home, tell your husband you are now trading compliments for a load of laundry and help with the dishes. Integrate your house guests into the normal family chores and routine. Most guests actually enjoy it!
Being superwoman is not a compliment, it is a job description. If you don't reduce your stress level, one day you will quit your job because you simply cannot bear it. No one will gain from that.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 28, 2002)
What Doesn't Work
Recently Ted, a nice coworker, joined my group. We work together on all projects and share ideas and communication with our manager on a daily basis.
Ted started carpooling with the boss. At that point he changed. What were joint projects, Ted made his own. When I tried to contact our boss to do the same, it was obvious he prefers Ted. The two of them talk at home and go to church together.
I have been in my group for over two years and work hard to be creative. Now I find anytime I do something, Ted quickly takes over. He always beats me to the punch. I am not trying to be petty, but it is getting ridiculous. A job I have been striving for is finally open. There is a trickled rumor the boss has nominated Ted.
Let me review the facts. I have been here longer, worked harder, and am overdue for promotion, a thought shared by coworkers. I mentioned this to a higher level boss, who in turn looked at me as a troublemaker.
Direct contact with Ted would be dynamite because of his attitude, but this isn't right. The more waves I make, the more I look bad, so I am hoping to get some advice on possible strategy.
Donald
Donald, certain situations are hopeless. You don't want to hear this, but this is one of them. You can list all the facts you want, but it won't change the main fact. Your manager prefers this new employee to you.
There can be a wide range of reasons for this. Your manager may feel you are far too valuable where you are, or you may simply lack the bootlicking skills to succeed in this particular workplace.
The new employee is not the enemy. Look at him in broader terms. He might be the wrench thrown at your life to stimulate a reaction, a reexamination of where you want to go. The writer James Michener once said, "The job of an apple tree is to bear apples. The job of a storyteller is to tell stories." What is your real job in life?
The only strategy to consider is where your life is going. This includes determining if you choose to remain with this company, whether you should pursue more education, or if you are even in the right field.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 4, 2001)
