On With The Show
The man I've seen for two years has yet to introduce me to any of his acquaintances. He's a director, actor, and entertainer who also oversees a nonprofit organization. He's never introduced me to the people in the group and doesn't invite me to cast parties or get-togethers. He says he likes to keep his personal and business lives separate.
I'm not writing to ask if this is a one-sided relationship. It is. Am I a tad codependent? Yes. I am not trying to make him into a monster or me into a victim. I deserve some of the blame if I am unhappy. I am not disputing that. The question is how do I go about breaking it off with him?
He's a very logical, shrewd, and bombastic sort of guy. He's brilliant, funny, and we have a lot in common, but when I tell him I don't feel a part of his life, he brings up good, windy arguments and doesn't leave my apartment. I end up feeling irrational and exhausted. I am searching for a non-emotional, logical argument to use in my defense to his arguments.
Angelina
Angelina, the song "Razzle Dazzle" from the musical "Chicago" describes your boyfriend's tactics. The premise of the song is this: whenever someone puts you on the spot, razzle dazzle 'em. Change the subject, put on a three-ring circus, or throw them a double whammy. As the song says, with all that going on, "How can they hear the truth above the roar?"
Some show business people have enough intelligence for two people. They can memorize a whole play in the time it takes you to memorize the smallest part. They're used to holding center stage and not allowing anyone to upstage them, but there is one strategy which will work. Put all his belongings outside your door. That is one argument he cannot refute.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 17, 2005)
When To Say “When”
I have been in a “significant other” relationship with a man for 13 years. For three years we lived together. I had a 9-year-old son at that time. My partner’s father was the son of a British-India military officer. Our parenting styles were opposite so I moved out but stayed in the relationship. My significant other has a son who does not live with him, about the age of my son.
My son, now 18, accepts this man happily. His son wants his father all to himself on visiting weekends. Consequently, we spend alternate weekend evenings together. We are monogamous and he calls me “his lady,” but I know we are on different planes. I am spiritual, he doesn’t want to bother.
He has a full life and is very busy. I have an empty life and feel unfulfilled. It is fine to advise me to go out and do other things, but it hasn’t happened yet. I am in my fifties and somewhat overweight. How do I gather self-esteem and regain my self-importance? How do I figure out what to do with my life?
Kaitlyn
Kaitlyn, when you are not satisfied with your life, the first step is to break the pattern. One significant change can begin a cascade of events which alters your perspective and renews your spirit.
For 13 years you have stagnated in a relationship that hasn’t come to fruition. That burden has sapped your energy and limited your future. You are afraid to take the first step and step out of this relationship. Don’t worry about self-esteem and self-importance. They will come when you start making decisions to improve your life.
Every successful life is, in some measure, a victory over fear. You’re letting fear of change keep you from living. Is the pain of your situation finally bad enough that you are ready to act? Or will you drift another 13 years?
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 10, 2000)
