Stand-In
My husband and I moved very fast in getting married. On my end, I was lost and lonely after my former fiancé was killed in an accident. I wanted to be close to someone again. I dated my husband 12 months after my fiancé's death, and six months later we were married. That was 10 months ago.
I was never a "must be in a relationship" type of woman. But I was very sad after losing my fiancé and having to let go of the dreams I had for our life together. I believe this is why I jumped so quickly.
I do love my husband, I want him to be safe and happy, but I can't be married to him. He's not a bad person--he doesn't cheat or drink or smoke. It's nothing like that. We simply do not connect intellectually or have any common interests. Some days I think to myself, how can I deal with this incompatibility day in and day out for the rest of my life?
I cannot continue in this marriage. I've already come to that conclusion. The painful part is leaving. I am dreading that. Five months after we married, I decided to move out and put down a deposit on an apartment. He was sad and crying, so I stayed. But I feel if I stay with someone I have so little in common with, I am cheating myself from what marriage can be.
Brooke
Brooke, you have explained so clearly what happened. It is picture perfect clear to us. You had all these plans in your head, another man came along, and you applied these plans to him.
You have to sit down with your husband and explain to him what you explained to us. Admit your mistake, then act. Delay, vacillation, and letting him argue will only prolong the pain. His refusal to accept what you say won't change the facts. Coddling another often only makes things worse, even though the original mistake was our own.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 23, 2004)
Letting Go
I am a 51-year-old man married to the same woman for 28 years. Our children are grown and on their own. Over those years we fought daily and fiercely, and my wife always escalated the battle by saying hurtful things. She often said she wanted me out of her life.
Over time I developed a long-distance friendship with a fellow employee in a distant office. I relied on her to bring me joy each day by phone. We agreed to meet, and she drove eight hours to get here. We spent the night in each other’s arms but had no sex. We kissed once, and it was wonderful.
I went home and announced I wanted out of our marriage. I want badly to love and be loved, but my head is screwed up and I am confused. The other woman is 15 years younger, and her lifestyle is opposite from mine. I’ve always considered myself liberal, but she smokes, has tattoos, is an admitted alcoholic, and wears no underwear.
But when we e-mail or talk on the phone, she has the sweetest voice and manner, and I feel I love her. If days go by and I don’t hear from her, I panic. She wants to take it slow, and I want her immediately. I’m not sure she loves me, but she gives me subtle encouragement, like singing a love song on my voice mail.
I am certain my wife and I are through. We have too much bad baggage to stay together. The other woman doesn’t excite me physically, though she is pleasant to look at. Do we have a chance together?
Bernard
Bernard, what are you saying? Your children are grown, your wife is a shrew, and you want to move on. You are leaving a woman you can’t say anything good about, for a woman whose only attribute is that she is appealing at a distance.
You are not Tarzan. You don’t need to have the next vine in hand before you let go of the one which is giving way. Your marriage is over. This new woman is not the one either. There is a third course. Follow it.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 28, 2000)
No Laughing Matter
I am thinking of divorce. My husband has become increasingly mean, unappreciative, and ugly. He lashes out over the smallest things and blames me for everything. We both work full-time and take night classes. We are under stress, but I am sick of using that as an excuse.
Several weeks ago we went to dinner with another couple. As we left the house my husband carried a box to the car, and I held the door open for him. One of our dogs squeezed past and ran into the yard.
We were trying to get him back in the house when my husband stepped in dog poop. He didn't notice it until we arrived at the restaurant. It was a small area smashed into the tip of his shoe. He went to the bathroom to wash it off and came back to the table so angry.
He told me if I hadn't let the dog out, he wouldn't have stepped in it. It was my fault. He embarrassed me in front of the other couple and people at nearby tables. He was so mean everyone felt uncomfortable the rest of the evening.
This type of thing happens almost every day. I don't know how much more I can take. I've made compromises and every effort to change my ways to please him, but nothing works.
Michelle
Michelle, Steve Martin did a comedy routine about two swinging Czech guys in stripped shirts and checkered pants. In their "native land" a breakup is accomplished by saying, "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee. I throw dog poopie on your shoes."
You've already done the dog poop. Now say the words.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 20, 2006)
Last Regrets
I've met this wonderful woman and she is available and willing, but I am still married. I have not filed for divorce because my lawyer tells me I have too much to lose.
I am miserable with my wife and want to share my life with this other woman. I'm afraid if I stall too long I will lose her. But I cannot get past losing everything I've worked for all my life. What should I do? I know my new love won't wait forever.
Fritz
Fritz, how do you feel about the stuff you have accumulated? That’s the issue. Do you love your stuff, or is it love you are looking for? Has stuff been a substitute for love all along? How much stuff would you need if you had love?
Gathering is often a symptom of being unable to start or maintain relationships. The chronic gatherer tries to buy moments of pleasure by accumulating. It is the one security they have. But as you age, what are you running out of? Stuff, or life itself. What will you regret on your deathbed? That you didn’t have more stuff, or that you didn’t have love?
We are not telling you to get divorced. We are telling you to make up your mind how you feel about stuff. If you love the stuff, stay with the stuff. And be the best husband you can be to your wife. Don’t mistreat her, because if you are cheating on her, you are mistreating her.
Don’t make three people miserable. Don’t lead another woman on if you don’t intend to be with her. You are not faced with a choice between these two women. It’s a choice between stuff, and life and love and emotion.
Lawyers are good at establishing trusts, writing wills and conserving assets, but affairs of the heart are beyond the scope of the law. You have a decision to make, and it’s not one your attorney can make for you.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of February 19, 2001)
