Shell-shock
I was married 27 years to a man I dearly loved. We had three sons that were very good, yet he treated all of us like he hated us, with cursing and insults. The marriage ended three years ago when he refused to end his affair of nine years.
I’ve been in a new relationship two years. This man is patient and loving, yet last year I tried to get back with my ex. Can you help me understand this process, or refer me to a book that could help me heal?
Julia
Julia, Glenn Gray revisited civilians he met during World War ll while he served in the army. These people survived the onslaught of competing armies. Many had seen family members murdered; many of the women had been raped. Yet some claimed they missed the war.
Intense bad experiences often carry more weight in our mind and imagination than helpful ones. That doesn’t change the reality of what is objectively good and what is objectively bad.
A good book on abuse, like Dragonslippers by Rosalind B. Penfold, can explain the dynamics of your marriage to your ex-husband. It's My Life Now by May Kennedy Dugan and Roger Hock is an excellent guide to starting over.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of January 29, 2007)
Free Will
Several years ago I met and dated a divorced man from my church. Eventually, with the church's blessing, we married. I was 30 at the time, raising a daughter on my own. Immediately during our honeymoon, Dr. Jekyll became Mr. Hyde. My husband was a violent man with a drinking problem and insecurities the size of Texas.
As a good wife I felt it my duty to stand by my husband and believed with nurturing and patience his behavior would change. It did. It got worse.
Four years later I gathered the strength to leave him, scared and scarred. I was in therapy for two years, but therapy has not been the answer. I ended up angry when it was suggested I had "gone through a lot." I have never overcome the guilt I feel at not having helped my husband change.
Christine
Christine, nurses cannot save every patient. They don't have that power. One key to being a good nurse is accepting the limits of your power.
Each of us has a free will, but it is our own will. It is not a will we get to exercise on another. If we could, then not only could you have changed your husband, but your husband could have changed you.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 27, 2004)
Alcohol’s Child
I am 40 and the daughter of an alcoholic. My parents have been married 43 years and have stayed together for lack of money and because of their health. They are really great people, but it is the typical story.
The short version is when things were going fine for me, Dad would lose his temper and be drunk. Mom, my sister, and I would end up in a neighbor’s apartment. When things were going horrible, Dad would be nice. Just when I was used to walking on eggshells, he would be nice.
So while I was young I dated plenty of men, just to have company, and did not sleep with them. I got into a pattern of being alone and not letting a man close to me. At least one man from church wanted to date me, but I couldn’t do it. I have trouble making time for men.
I help out my elderly parents on a regular basis in addition to working. How do I break this pattern? It seems like I am going to have to rethink this.
Edith
Edith, in his autobiography “My Life,” Bill Clinton talks about the enjoyable train trip he took with his alcoholic stepfather to see a baseball game in St. Louis. It was the only trip they took together. Clinton also mentions the only time he and his stepfather went fishing together, and the only time they went into the woods to cut down a Christmas tree.
The former president concludes, “There were so many things that meant a lot to me but were never to occur again.” That’s what living with a drunk is like. You hold on to the few good memories to blot out the present and give yourself hope for the future. That hoped-for future never materializes, but it enables you to ignore the bad and cling to the 10 percent which is good.
It seems odd that our minds work this way. You might think that rewards randomly given at rare intervals would lead to hopelessness, but the opposite is true. Intermittent rewards rarely given bind us tighter than regular rewards regularly given. That’s why you think your parents are “great people.”
You say you need to rethink things, and that is the first idea you need to rethink. Living in a bottle was more important to your father than his living children. Unexpected niceness in the midst of terror creates the hardest pattern to break.
If you want to know what happened to your chances for a successful marriage and happy children, look no farther than your drunken father and enabling mother. The one thing they had to do to deserve your care in their old age, they did not do. Coming to terms with that reality is the first step in understanding your pattern with men.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 9, 2006)
Homemade
Six months ago I ended a relationship with a man who is an alcoholic, habitual liar, and a player. After the breakup he became so out of control he stalked me, and I had to get the police involved. It seemed he hit rock-bottom.
With the help of our church and God, after a long period the stalking came to a stop. Since then he has been working hard to turn his life around. He says he has given his heart to God. He also gets one-on-one professional therapy every week, and he has regular sessions with the pastor of our church. He goes to Bible study, church study, and Alcoholics Anonymous.
He truly sounds like he is trying hard to turn his life around. I am happy for him if—if—what he says is true. I don’t believe anything he says because of all the lies. He wants another chance and says there will never be a repeat. I told him actions speak louder than words.
He has done this to every woman in his life. But I am the first one he ever wanted to change for. See, I never loved a man like I love this man. But I have so much healing to do myself I told him I don’t want to be in a relationship with any man at this time. I have a lot of anger and pain to deal with first. I was raised in an extremely abusive family, and trust is a huge issue for me.
The lies, drinking, and cheating ended all trust I had in him. Once betrayed I find it most difficult to trust again. Can a man who has done this truly change? Is it possible to repair a relationship after this much damage?
Nanette
Nanette, many of us think of ourselves as a mind walking around on top of a body. We are taught our highest faculty is reason, and we can use will power and hard work to lead a good life. This view of human psychology is an ancient one, and for people who grew up with nurturing parents and plenty of opportunity, it works fairly well.
But there’s more to the story than that. Our world view is shaped by the world in which our minds were formed. The norms of our childhood and youth become our norms for the world. That’s why people send their children to Sunday school, instead of waiting until they turn18 and letting them decide for themselves what to believe. Once a view of the world is shaped, it becomes almost impossible to view the world in any other way.
A poor person is at ease at a hamburger stand, but doesn’t know which fork to use at a nice restaurant. You grew up in an abusive household. That’s why you’re attracted to this man. A man who treats you well might make you feel “funny.” You may view him as weak or less than a man.
You and this man are still learning which fork to use. Part of his learning is learning there are consequences to bad behavior, including losing you. Part of your learning is learning not to accept less than the best from any man.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 6, 2006)
Pattern Recognition
I've been dating my boyfriend for two years. When our relationship began, I was completely dedicated to him, and he was a complete jerk who fooled around on me more than three times. We both realized it was because we never communicated.
Since then we've become best friends and built a strong relationship. However he ogles other women while I'm with him, and it hurts. During one of the times we were broken up, he allowed me to read his journal which explained what he thinks about when he checks out other women's body parts. He actually wrote he would love to fool around with them and see how they feel.
I am an extremely attractive girl. I feel insulted when I'm dressed up and he checks out less attractive girls who are just wearing jeans with their hair thrown in a ponytail. When I say something about it, he makes it seem like I made it all up. He yells at me as if I have done something wrong.
He talks about marrying me after we graduate from college next year, but I'm not sure. Am I overreacting and paranoid, or is he lying when he says he is sure about us?
Nicole
Nicole, how do you make a smart woman feel stupid? By calling her stupid and paying attention to women who aren't as smart as she is. How do you make a woman tolerate physical abuse? By diminishing her self-esteem and making her feel she deserves the treatment she receives. How do you make an attractive woman doubt herself? Read your own letter.
Imagine we introduced you to a man in boots wearing a Stetson hat, with a kerchief around his neck and chaps over his jeans. You look closely at the man and see his hands are callused and his face weather-beaten. Then we ask, "Do you think this man is a hairdresser or a rancher?"
You would tell us he is a rancher, and you would be right. How did you know? Because you have a pattern built up in your mind of what a rancher looks like and what a hairdresser looks like. Patterns like this are called heuristics, and accurate heuristics help us navigate through life.
Now think about the couples you know who are closest to each other, who never undermine each other, who genuinely love each other. Some of these couples may be your age, some may be your parents' age, and some may be your grandparents' age. These couples form a heuristic for you. They illustrate the pattern of love.
That is not the pattern of your relationship. There is no reason for you to settle for your boyfriend. You know what you want, you know what you need, and you know this man cannot give it to you. Why not? Because he does not fit the heuristic you have in your mind of what love looks and feels like. He fits the heuristic of a man who is still looking.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 4, 2005)
Epiphany
What is it with me? I'm 33, a successful woman with a master's degree, and I keep choosing loser men. I've got this attraction to bad boys, and it's ruining me as a person.
Every other aspect of my life is well organized and idyllic, but I've got this powerful attraction to guys that are basically my exact opposite: uneducated, lazy, and drug or alcohol addicted. I've been crushed once again by one of the men I allowed to use me.
I feel if a low-down snake doesn't want me, who will? How can I be together in so many ways, yet when it comes to men fail so miserably?
Tipper
Tipper, after receiving your letter, we got this from another reader. Perhaps it will help in the search for your answer.
"Dear Wayne and Tamara, I attract predators. While caught up in the demise of my second marriage, I noticed a pattern. My spirit for life was near death from emotional abuse, but it was difficult to identify because abuse was like a fog clouding rational thought.
"Was there counseling? Oh, sure. But I only heard what his problems were so I could try harder, be a better wife, and make us more money. Did I cry a river to friends about his affair, then moan I couldn't lose a man who could be so wonderful? You bet! Did I give everyone the "but you don't understand" argument while they gave me the "get rid of the bum" lecture? Of course.
"The miracle happened while reading yet another book on psychology. Something made me shift the focus to myself. The shroud lifted and I could see my situation for what it was. Realizing I was attracting wolves in sheep's clothing was only the beginning. I had to know why.
"I had such an overpowering need for their crumbs of love I was willing to put up with abuse. The crumbs were used to fill the hole left in my heart from childhood. I never felt love from my dad. Love had to be earned, and at best it was a pat on the head.
"With knowledge comes power and in an instant I was free. I no longer need to make excuses for someone's bad behavior for fear of losing love. After all, it wasn't love from the start. It was manipulation. Jeanne"
Tamara says asking for love from parents who don't have love to give is like going to them and asking for a dollar. If they turned their pockets inside out and showed you they didn't have a dollar to give, it would be okay. But they don't. They let you feel they won't give you a dollar because something is wrong with you. The truth is they never had a dollar to give.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of April 22, 2002)
