You’re So Vain
Three years ago I met a guy online. We were great friends, had a great time, and got involved the best we could over the net. When the time came, we said our good-byes. We both knew the distance was a bit too much, so we left it at that.
A few months later I went to a reunion in his hometown and called him. He had just remarried. Wow, talk about a big shock! I guess they were both in need of something. Anyway, I wished him luck and went on my way.
Last month I ran into him again. Despite his best efforts to hold the marriage together, he is divorcing for the second time. When I met him, he was going through his first divorce and hurting a lot. I felt his pain because I was in the middle of a divorce myself.
When we ran into each other, it was as if no time had gone by. His pain was so strong I wanted to rescue him. He is a wonderful man but direct and very bold. He says, “This is me and this is what you get.” I am very sensitive and not sure I want that. I love him for being real, yet I hurt when he is not considerate of my feelings.
When I bring things up with him, he turns it into a boxing match, like he alone has the true answers and like he is much smarter than me. Still I am falling in love with the good part of him. It is hard to settle for anything but the best, yet I find myself attracted to his attention. I know I am deeply in need of love. Can you shed some light on this?
Lydia
Lydia, don’t go grocery shopping when you are hungry. You will buy too much of what you don’t need. In the same way, when you feel especially in need of love, it is easy to make excuses to get that love.
A line in a poem by T.S. Eliot says, “Humility is endless.” It’s hard to see things just as they are. When we are full of ourselves, we live in a delusional world, out of touch with others and unable to react to people as they are.
Your friend sees things only as they apply to him. He thinks he has all the answers. The quality you describe is not intelligence, but arrogance. There are three people in this relationship--you, him, and his ego—and threesomes never work.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 29, 2000)
Girl Talk
I am best friends with a woman, we have the world in common, and I love her. A few months ago we went on vacation to another country, and we had sex. After the vacation, I talked to her about a relationship, but she said she only wanted me as a friend.
Last month she became involved with a guy who is not on her level. He is loud and obnoxious, but she is totally in love and would give him the world. My problem is that she talks to me about the things they do intimately. I mean she goes into detail with everything.
This kills me, but like a fool, I put up with it because I’ve grown attached to her. She used to visit every day, but since she became involved with him, I only see her once a week. We talk every day. If I told her I love her, it would ruin our friendship. How do I cope with this?
Steve
Steve, it’s not unusual for a man to fall in love with a woman he is friends with, but if he wants to know if they have a future, he needs to ask one thing. Does she treat me like a man, or like a girlfriend? You may not like the comparison, but it’s a reliable test.
This woman tells you the too-intimate details of her relationship with another man, uses you as a friend and sounding board, and curtails contact with you when she is involved with a new love interest. That is exactly how a woman treats a girlfriend.
She said she wants you as a friend. She wasn’t kidding. What you shared when you were on vacation was opportunistic and an accident. She was between men.
An old song about a card player says you need to “know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em.” Folding a losing hand gives you a chance to hold a winning one.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 6, 2000)
Blind Spot
I have known this woman a bit over a year. At that time she was getting divorced from a damaging marriage. We met at a mutual friend’s birthday celebration and really hit it off. We started hanging out, going for drinks, dinner, and movies. I knew almost from day one I was interested and that interest turned into caring.
That scared me quite a bit because of previous times I started having feelings for somebody too quickly. Eventually I let my feelings slip to one of her friends I believed I could trust, and it got back to her. Almost all correspondence stopped. I would call to see how she was doing, and she would not return any of my calls.
Finally after a month of not hearing from her she would call me out of the blue and say we needed to do something soon, but the plans always fell through. And so it went for months. I later found out part of the reason she wouldn’t call back was because of whatever boyfriend she was seeing at the time.
As time went on we started hanging out again, having great conversations and exchanging playful glances. Finally I got up the guts to talk to her about all the signals I thought she was giving me. We decided to go get some dinner and see a movie.
That evening she brought a friend she had not seen in a long time. They were flirting the entire time at dinner and started making out in front of me at the movie. Needless to say I was shocked and utterly heartbroken. A few nights later, I talked to her. She said she didn’t feel the same way about me but needed my friendship. So we left it at that for awhile.
However, our relationship has evolved over time. I’ve seen her through several boyfriends and always been there for her to count on. Sometimes we hang out till the early morning hours talking about everything. In my own attempt to analyze the situation, I came to the realization the reason we didn’t get together was fear: her fear of losing me in a relationship and my fear of her rejecting my affections.
Once a mutual friend of ours told me she saw this woman doing things to get my attention and giving me looks usually reserved for those in love. So here I am wondering if she really loves me. I have no idea what to think or do about this situation.
Ed
Ed, there is an interesting short film on visual perception. In the film, six people pass around two basketballs. Half the people wear white shirts and half wear black shirts. As they pass the balls, the people move in a weave pattern. Viewers are asked to count the total number of times the balls are passed.
What viewers are not told is that a person in a gorilla suit is about to walk into the middle of the basketball players, turn and face the camera, then walk away in the other direction. More than half the people who view this film never see the gorilla. This phenomenon is called inattention blindness, and it refers to the fact that we often cannot see what we don’t expect to see.
In your case, you cannot see what you don’t want to see. A woman brought another man to your dinner and movie date with her. That was the clearest possible way to inform you that you are not in her dating circle. That is the way it has always been for her.
The reasons you think you will one day be together are like the basketball players. They keep you from seeing the gorilla. When a woman treats a man like a confidante and girlfriend, it means she is not interested in that man as a man.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 8, 2007)
New Year’s Pressure
A few years ago I met a girl when I paid a visit to her family during Chinese New Year. We talked and exchanged pager numbers. I would like to be her boyfriend, but she treats me like a buddy. Whenever she breaks up with a guy, she tells me all the details and cries on my shoulder.
Recently we went to a disco to dance. Crowds were there so I held her hand to lead her to a place to sit. She was very playful, but she told me not to look for a girlfriend who is playful like her. Yesterday we met for a drink, and afterward walked quite a distance to a riverside. Her feet hurt after walking, and she told me to look for a girlfriend who can walk a long distance, not like her.
Is there another meaning for mentioning not to look for a girlfriend like her? I don’t know, but I take it as a hint. To me, she means the opposite of what she says. We communicate well, but both of us fear if we met too often, we would have nothing to talk about.
I want to propose to her to be my girlfriend during this millennium year. What holds me back is I am not sure she is suitable for me. Should I make the offer?
Rush
Rush, when a woman treats you like a buddy and reminds you not to look at her like a girlfriend, that is exactly what she means. She is perceptive enough to understand your feelings, and she is trying to convey her feelings without jeopardizing the friendship.
Using reverse psychology to reshape facts doesn’t change the truth, it turns the truth upside down. This millennium year is a milestone in your life. Naturally you want to mark the milestone in a significant way, but even you question the wisdom of this move.
Stay friends. Your friend is treating you more like a brother than a man she would date.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 20, 1999)
Mistaken Identity
I am going nuts which is why I am writing.
I have been “dating” a man for a year now. I say “dating” because we are platonic, and he is having trouble rebounding from a marriage that dissolved three years ago. I should have moved on and would have if we hadn’t connected so deeply. He is me in so many ways and complements me in so many others.
For someone like me who scoffed at love, I now crave that very thing from this man. I try to move on but he is there. We spend hours talking. We have similar educational backgrounds and intellectual pursuits. We enjoy the same jokes and movies.
So much compatibility, yet he wants me to move on. I don’t want to go and I don’t want to stay. Is this all I can hope for? I’ve waited all of my 32 years to meet what I consider a soulmate.
Is there anything I can do just to make him release that pain and move on. Even if he chooses someone else, I care too deeply for him to live trapped in “what if” and “what could I have done differently.”
Conversely, I don’t want to stay and have him shatter my heart. He told me he is not the one for me. But I am assuming by what he says he is not the one for anyone because he failed with this woman he loved.
He also stated he didn’t want to introduce sex into our relationship because it would ruin it. I don’t want just sex from him. I am hoping for a meaningful relationship that leads to marriage.
Gloria
Gloria, you’ve got a great best friend. He is a wonderful part of your life. Unfortunately your friend is a man. Since he’s male, you are trying to turn him into something he is not.
If your heart gets broken, it will be a self-inflicted wound. Your friend has made clear what his role in your life is. If you accept it, you will have a friend who makes the good times merrier and the sad times less sad.
There are those who promise to tell you how to win a man’s heart. It’s as if they are talking about buying a bicycle, with some assembly required. Get a pair of pliers and perform a few simple tasks, and you will have a bicycle you can ride.
A list of compatible qualities, unlike bicycle parts, cannot be put together to make what you want. A husband. Your friend is not an object you can project your will onto.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of September 6, 1999)
What Part Of No
I am a 21-year-old college student who has never had a boyfriend. This never bothered me because I naturally have more guy friends than girlfriends. Recently I started having feelings for my best guy friend. I told some girlfriends, but their advice is hard to follow. I just don’t flirt or wear seductive clothes.
I discussed my feelings with the guy, but he thinks of me only as a friend. We often spend three or four hours together at a time, and we get along great. In many ways we have a relationship, except for the intimate parts. The situation is complicated because he is constantly considering other girls as girlfriends, then running to me for comfort when he is rejected.
I want more from this relationship, but I don’t want to lose him as a friend. Should I be content with things as they are, or should I bring up the subject again?
Toni
Toni, what part of “no” don’t you understand? We expect men to understand when we say, “No.” It cuts both ways. People are not inanimate objects which can be manipulated according to our likes or dislikes. This doesn’t mean you aren’t an attractive, intelligent woman. It simply means your friend is not attracted to you in this way.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 6, 2000)
The Right Direction
One of my best friends asked me to be his girlfriend. I like him as a friend but nothing more. How can I tell him no in a way that won’t make us stop being friends? Please answer as quickly as possible.
Marci
Marci, when you learn to say no, your life gets a whole lot simpler and a whole lot happier. Saying no is often difficult, but it’s much easier than saying yes to something you don’t want.
Tell your friend that you just want to be friends. Don’t offer an excuse, an explanation, or leave any doubt that your answer is no. Often it is not possible to give a reason, like trying to explain why you like blue and not yellow.
You don’t have to justify your feelings to anyone else, and offering lengthy explanations makes things worse. He can’t argue with a simple, polite “No.” Attempts to save his feelings now will result in more hurt feelings later, and give him hope where there should be none.
You can’t find happiness in life without moving in the direction of your true feelings.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 17, 2000)
Better Left Unsaid
One of my good friends has been dating this girl for a year. I was friends with both of them before they got together. Over the past few months I started having feelings for the girl, and we are best friends.
This summer, while she was home, she called me at least twice a week and we e-mailed each other about five times a day. Now that school has started, we are all living in the same apartment building, each with our own roommate. She spends almost more time with me than with her boyfriend.
I never intended to steal my friend’s girl, but I find myself thinking about her all the time. Not only that but she tells me a lot of stuff about their relationship, including all of his shortcomings.
I’m just completely confused. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the school year.
Jules
Jules, this woman is treating you like a best friend, sharing confidences and using you as a sounding board. If she wanted a romantic involvement with you, she would break up with her boyfriend.
The best thing you can do is make room in your life for someone else, and stop spending so much time with a woman involved with another man.
Treat these two friends like a married couple. If you don’t, this is going to be an awfully long school year.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 25, 1999)
