Siren Song
I'm seeing a girl who has me in the biggest state of confusion. We met through friends and went from zero to 60 in a matter of hours. That was unlike both of us, or at least I'm trusting it's unlike her.
We really hit it off and started dating, seeing each other for the most part of a week or two. We decided to be exclusive, but after a bit of that, she realized my idea of exclusivity didn't include her constant flirting with friends and strangers alike. So we took things down a notch.
I'm extremely into this girl. I've analyzed and analyzed, and this is no "wanting what you can't get" case. I know I need to be her friend above all else. I'm always there for her, even when she won't admit she needs it. I talk things out with her with a true interest in her needs.
When we're in the company of others, I barely exist, let alone come across as anything other than a minor friend. Only when there's a female near does she make her presence felt. Fine, fine, I understand. My issue is we argue because she constantly fails to call me and changes plans on me without warning.
Every time she's back with an apology and a suggestion we spend time alone. This, of course, brings back my interest. I'm trying so damned hard to be understanding, but I can't figure out when enough is enough.
Gavin
Gavin, Odysseus was sailing home at the end of the Trojan War. He knew of the dangerous coast where the Sirens lived, women whose beautiful song lured sailors onto rocks where their ships were wrecked and their lives lost. So to ensure safe passage, Odysseus stuffed wax in the ears of his men and had himself lashed to the mast.
The enchanting song of the Sirens nearly drove Odysseus mad, and he begged his men to free him. But they were under strict orders and only tightened his bonds. In this way, the peril passed and Odysseus went on with his life.
You are under the spell of the first night you coupled with this siren, but all this siren has to offer you is madness. We can't tie you to a mast, but perhaps the myth of Odysseus will be bee's wax for your ears. You are only one of many sailors being dashed on her rocks.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of July 10, 2006)
Future Prediction
I'm in a long-distance relationship that is five months old; of those five months we have spent a total of 15 days together spread over a two month period. As in all relationships it was wonderful in the beginning. We spent long hours on the phone getting to know each other and catching up on what was going on in each other's life.
About two months ago I noticed his calls were not as frequent as they used to be. He says it's because he's busy. I accept this because I know his job is demanding, but somehow I feel it's not too much to ask for a phone call a day. As it stands now, we haven't seen each other in three months, and if I don't call him, I don't think he'll call until a week passes without a word from me.
He says he loves me. I want to believe he knows what love is. I'm willing to do what it takes to make our relationship work, but I feel I'm giving 95% and he is giving 50%. How can I make him open his eyes and see what his blasé attitude toward our relationship is doing to me?
Sydney
Sydney, in Dean Koontz's novel "Odd Thomas," a couple goes to a county fair. In the back of an arcade tent they find an unusual machine. The top of the machine is glassed in. Inside the glass is a realistic-looking gypsy fortuneteller complete with colorful headscarf.
Another couple stands in front of the glass. They feed a coin into the machine, and the woman asks if she and her boyfriend will have a long and happy marriage. The boyfriend pushes the answer button and a card falls into a brass tray. The card reads: "A cold wind blows, and each night seems to last a thousand years."
Not satisfied with the answer, they drop in another coin, and the woman again asks if they will have a long, happy marriage. This time the card reads: "The fool leaps from the cliff, but the winter lake below is frozen." On the third try they get a card which reads: "The orchard of blighted trees produces poisonous fruit."
Eight times the couple drop in a coin, and each time they receive a similar answer. They bicker and move away. Then the second couple, who clearly love each other, step forward and deposit a coin. A card falls which reads: "You are destined to be together forever."
Sydney, we asked the gypsy fortuneteller your question. A card dropped down. It read: "A cold wind blows, and each night…"
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of July 5, 2010)
The Crooked Path
My boyfriend and I have only been dating 10 days, and I already want to end the relationship. It's not like he's psycho or anything. Actually he's really nice to me, but there are no sparks! I just know he's not the one for me, so why waste my time on something that won't last?
When we kiss he is overly aggressive, and I have to wipe the spit off my face! It's so gross. My problem is my sister is dating his older brother, and they would be mad if I broke his heart. Also, I love his whole family and don't want them to hate me for hurting him.
It seems cruel to break up with him so soon. Should I try to get him to break up with me? Dating is really complicated, but I know this is not working. Please, please, please help me!
Rhonda
Rhonda, we have a German friend who has been divorced many years. After telling us about the constant conflict in her marriage, she said, "The first time he called, my mother answered the phone. I said, 'Mom, tell him I'm not home.' But my mother made me come to the phone, and I ended up married to him."
Because she didn't follow her instincts, she didn't marry the right man. There is no rule which says the first one who dates you gets you. The rule says, as soon as you know it's not right, you end it. We get many letters from people who married someone they didn't even like.
There is a time to honor good manners, politeness, and the wishes of others, and there is a time to ignore all three. There is a price to be paid for following what others want. A character in an Ursula K. Le Guin novel makes a remark which can serve as wise advice. "I have given my love to what is worthy of love. Is that not the kingdom and the unperishing spring?"
Wayne
(From the column for the week of July 31, 2006)
Winnowing
I am a female, 19. I am more mature than my age, and sometimes I feel I am trapped with an old soul in a young body. I fell in love with a man, 38. We were in a long-distance relationship for six months, but two months ago we decided I would move to New York to be with him and build my life there.
We had a bad time. I couldn't find myself, and he was occupied with his business. I was very unhappy and we argued constantly. Now I am back in Israel, and he is there. He decided it would be easier for me to build my life here, and it would be good for us to take a break. He is afraid I might regret marrying him because I haven't experienced life yet.
Is this kind of relationship possible, or am I holding on to something which is doomed from the start?
Leah
Leah, why do you need to mention age difference or other factors? When you were with him in New York, you were unhappy and argued constantly. Why can't that be the truth of the matter? You gave it a try, it didn't work, he pulled away.
Every man is not your future husband. Most men you will date until you see the relationship isn't going anywhere. That's what dating is all about--not snaring a man, but separating the wheat from the chaff. He's chaff. You're looking for wheat. Keep sifting.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 1, 2004)
The Karate Kid
I have an unexpected relationship problem. It's hard to believe it has become such an issue but it has. The whole thing started very innocently when my boyfriend and I were watching some silly action movie. The female heroine was kicking butt, and I mentioned to my boyfriend I took a semester's worth of judo classes in college and could probably give him a run for his money.
I was half joking. I didn't really think I could beat him. He has a pretty significant weight advantage over me and is an athletic guy. I'm not exactly a big amazon type of girl. I'm tall and slender. I jog regularly and work out a couple of times a week, but that's it really.
Anyway, we got going, and to my surprise I was able to fend off his initial attempts to take me down. Then I caught him off guard with a basic leg sweep and used other techniques to keep him on the floor and eventually pin him. I thought it was fun and funny, and so did he at first. We've had several "bouts" since, and I've beaten him every time.
Yes, I understand male egos are fragile when it comes to these things, but I'm getting really sick of his petulant attitude every time he loses. He seems to think it's impossible I can beat him, and he's a real pill to be around when it happens. What am I supposed to do--let him win? I'm proud I've retained judo skills, rudimentary as they are, and I don't see why I should compromise just because I'm a woman.
Jodi
Jodi, your boyfriend is not learning the lesson here. He is the athlete, but he is untrained. You are trained, and you understand how to turn your opponent's strength to your advantage. If anything, the skill of self-defense is more valuable to a female because a woman knows at any time she may have to defend herself against a man.
The Chinese sage Lieh Tzu told a story about a man who lost an ax. The man thought his neighbor's son took it, and in every word or deed of the boy, the man saw the actions of a thief. Then one day the man found his ax, and he no longer saw the neighbor's son as a thief.
Your boyfriend is stuck thinking you have stolen the ax, his manhood. Actually nothing has changed since the time you first watched the movie together. Personal security expert Gavin de Becker once summed up this whole situation by saying, "At core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them."
It is time for you to retire from the mat as an undefeated champion. The purse, his frail ego, isn't worth fighting for. He has a problem to deal with, and it is his problem alone.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 1, 2004)
Masks And False Faces
In the last two years I’ve gone out with seven or eight women. The last two are typical.
Sara. Met her at the gym where I play racketball. She was borderline gorgeous, and we had good times in the beginning. The more we got to know each other, the more I wondered why we started going out in the first place. I just lost interest.
Jackie. Met her at a club when a friend introduced us. The best dates were the first dates. We couldn’t get enough of each other. Then she always seemed to be busy, and the dates became less frequent. I felt I was about to get dumped so I stopped calling.
I’m one of those guys who makes a good first impression, but dating is a strain for me. Once I relax, the relationship goes down the tubes. Can you put your finger on what’s wrong?
Brad
Brad, we are encouraged to put our best foot forward, put on the best possible face, and make a good impression. The problem is we rarely think our own foot, face, or impression is the best one. So we put on a face we think someone else will want.
This is where the relationship fails—not after dating a few weeks or a few months—but right there at the beginning. We have attracted a person who wants someone we are only pretending to be.
Trying to maintain a false face is an unbearable strain. Instead of the relationship gaining momentum as you get to know one another, the reverse happens. Neither of you can maintain the first impression, and both of you see someone you didn’t see in the beginning.
The solution? Be yourself. The best impression you can make—the one that is true, real, and lasting—is made by being yourself. Approach dating in a relaxed and easy way. A date shouldn’t feel like a job interview. When you start out being who you are, you will attract someone attracted to the real you.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of May 24, 1999)
The Right Fit
I am 44 and have been involved for six months with a man I met over the Internet. We’ve seen each other several times. Being with him is the most romantic and exciting experience of my life.
He is an intelligent, kind, caring individual. We live in neighboring states and can be together in 3 or 4 hours. Sounds good to this point, right? But he is very involved in his career, travels a great deal, and has very little time to be with me or anyone else.
When we are together, it is wonderful and we have a great time. But the times in between are lonely and I long for him. He says this is the way I found him, and I should appreciate what we have.
Is it too soon to feel this is not what I want? I want him, but I want him to be more available to me.
Connie
Connie, let’s say you are looking for a dress. You know what styles you like and which shop to go to. You consider everything: style, color, cut, fabric, size, and price.
As these elements are right for you, one builds upon another, and you try on the dress. Even though you thought everything was right, you cannot ignore what you see in the mirror.
If the dress feels wrong, it’s not the dress for you. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with the dress. It’s just not for you.
You are mature enough to know who you are and what you want. You want a man to share your life with. You sense this relationship isn’t what you want. An occasional relationship might be right for someone else, but not for you.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 20, 1999)
Telltale Heart
My boyfriend told me I didn’t trust him, so I decided I would. But upon growing trust for him I found out he sent a comment to a girl on MySpace (MySpace, the root of all relationship problems). It said, “I knew if you wanted to hang out with me you would have called me. I guess you’re just scared you might like me.” Is this something I should be worried about, or something I should forget?
Val
Val, in one episode of “Torchwood” Tosh is given a pendant which allows her to hear others’ thoughts. To her dismay she learns that Owen, the man she has a crush on, sees her as needy. Not only does Owen not fancy her, he is snogging Gwen. Tosh’s new knowledge should allow her to move on. She has been released from the delusion Owen is her everything.
Though they don’t act this way, people who love each other can peek and peek and pry and pry, and not find anything about the other they didn’t want to know.
Your boyfriend is berating another girl for not meeting him. You’ve seen into his soul. Act from that knowledge.
We shouldn’t fear reality. We should fear the illusions we try to maintain in the face of reality.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 5, 2007)
