False Prophets
Of all the relationship advice columns, I like and respect yours most because you never encourage using manipulation or "tricks" in relationships.
I recently turned 30 and am considered an attractive woman. My life has never been easy, but I put it all behind me and tried to make the best out of my assets. I moved to the States, put myself through college, graduated with honors, and work hard to support myself.
The only problem is I have no love in my life. The men I date act like I am the best thing to happen to them, in the beginning that is. Inevitably it turns out they do not want a serious relationship, leaving me with a broken heart and crushed hopes. If I am really that wonderful, why is this happening to me?
I have dated men of various ages, professions, and physical appearance. The only thing they have in common is a dread of settling down with one person forever.
I live in New York, perhaps the most "commitment phobic" city in the world. Whenever I travel to other states, people say, "You're such a beautiful girl. Not married yet?" It's flattering, but I cringe to hear that question. It makes me feel like the biggest loser.
I've tried almost everything. Recently I read in one of the relationship books the best way to attract the right partner is make a list of all the qualities we would like them to possess and meditate upon it. Inevitably the right mate will be drawn to us. Call me skeptical, but this sounds like ordering custom furniture, not meeting a mate.
Can such lists really work? Please help me. I am too young to live without love the rest of my life.
Eldora
Eldora, oh, if it was only that simple. Make a list of what you want--a man, money, or a trim waist--and meditate. If that worked, we'd all be married, we'd all be rich, and we'd all be thin. If that book worked, it would be the hottest selling book ever.
Authors of relationship books say you can plan and plot this out because that is what people want to hear. But it is not within their power to make happen. No one has a crystal ball to tell you when the great moments of your life will occur. Love comes when it comes, not when you decide it should come.
Love is a word which is often misused. It can be used to gain undeserved intimacy. There is something to be said for waiting, because those who are not serious are not likely to be patient. As you have already painfully discovered, you cannot turn a man who is not serious into one who is no matter how much he says he likes or loves you.
It doesn't take long to realize a shoe doesn't fit, and almost all men give indicators they are, or are not, of a mindset for a wife. The sooner you learn a man is not of your mindset, the less likely you are to be hurt. If a man says he isn't looking for marriage, shake his hand, say goodnight, and tell him he is not what you are looking for.
The one thing we can tell you is to live the kind of life which is in you, that you deserve, that you have a passion for. Because that is the only thing which is under your control.
Put yourself in the way of love and marriage. That means not being involved with anyone who does not want marriage, acknowledging in your heart you want to be married, and not being afraid to say it. The man who truly loves you will want to make you his own.
The best thing you can do is be out there living a good life.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 12, 2003)
Anticipation
I'm a single, 45-year-old guy who spends a great deal of time alone, not necessarily by choice. Since my divorce over eight years ago, I've met and dated many women, but still find myself alone without the steady love, companionship, and support I had when I married. Either she isn't my type, or I'm not hers.
Living in an urban area with a great number of singles makes me feel invisible, and I find it increasingly daunting to just approach a woman, especially if she is younger and attractive. Online dating has been all right, but nothing I'd call great. After all, I'm still single.
Well-meaning friends tell me love comes when we least expect it, when we're not looking for it. I know this to be true from my own experience, but I am frightened if I simply give up and stop looking, I'll never find a new love at all. Any advice on how to go about attracting a new love would be greatly appreciated.
Roger
Roger, Aristophanes, the ancient Greek playwright, told a myth about love. Men and women, he said, were originally one being with a single head and two faces turned in opposite directions. These original human beings had four arms and four legs, and each was supremely happy. They were as complete as a circle.
But the god Zeus was jealous of mankind, so he sent a thunderbolt to split humans in two. Ever since men and women have tried to restore their original nature by finding their other half. When that happens, according to the myth, a man and a woman are "lost in an amazement of love, friendship, and intimacy."
Are you, perhaps, discounting some women based on a bias, criterion, or wish? We don't choose who we love. When the right person comes into your life, they will be as they will be, and you will find you love them as they are. Love makes the other person perfect.
Perhaps you need to spend more time focusing on yourself, instead of focusing on someone to be with. Connect with your passions, your interests, and what fills you up. In living life to the fullest extent--out there, engaged in life, following your passions in the midst of others--you allow yourself to come in contact with the one for you.
The fuller you are the more desirable you will be to the one who is right for you. When you are living your life to the fullest, you have a life worthy of living. You have a measure of happiness in that kind of life. The icing on the cake will be when it brings you in contact with your other half.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 16, 2005)
Missing Persons
I am an attractive woman in my late 30s and a senior manager with a medium-sized company in New York City. All the women in my office say they can’t meet any men. I feel the same way.
Many of us have been trying to find the right man for years. I was married to the wrong man for 10 years. I would like to share my life with someone, but there are just no men in New York City.
What are we to do?
Jacqueline
Jacqueline, I must have missed CNN’s coverage of the event, but I can picture it. Tens of thousands of men running, walking, and bicycling across the George Washington Bridge in a mass exodus of New York City. No men left. Even the doormen are now women.
A letter like this should come from the Outback or the Yukon, or some place inhabited by only a few dozen souls, most of them your blood relatives. But New York City? A city that never sleeps. A place where you can find a thousand people who share your interests no matter how obscure.
Your letter says more about your mindset and frustrations than about reality. You can’t hunt for a man the way you hunt for an elephant. The relationship you want is unique and special. It will happen the way unique and perfect things in life happen, when you are ready, when you least expect it, when it is time.
The problem isn’t a shortage of men. The problem is a matter of outlook. Do what is interesting to you. Follow what catches your eye. Pursue what fulfills you. When you live your life out of a sense of who you are, then you are free to meet and interact with men without ulterior motives. You won’t be judging each man in terms of whether he would marry you, or you would marry him.
Some things are meant to happen out of the blue, like seeing a falling star, catching a glimpse of a rainbow, or meeting the man for you.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of November 29, 1999)
Third Time’s The Charm
I am 23, blonde, tall, and reasonably attractive. The biggest success in my life was taking second runner-up in a California beauty pageant two years ago. I throw that in to show I’m not an ugly duckling, but I’m not a supermodel either.
My problem is this. I have not been dating anyone for 10 months. This is by far the longest I have gone without a boyfriend, and I’m getting nervous. My most recent relationship ended last October. I’ve had a boyfriend every summer for as long as I can remember, but it’s almost September and I’m still single.
My parents say it’s because I’m in no position to meet anyone. My full-time job is teaching at a preschool. My other job, part-time, is at a funeral home, and it’s a little stiff there. I only meet parents and little kids at school, and I don’t meet anyone at the funeral home.
I do go out, but I’m not the type to approach someone and get a number. I’m not shy either. People have suggested I not look and “he will come.” So I told myself I wasn’t going to look, and I’d be patient. Well it’s been the whole summer, I’m not looking and he’s not coming! Now I’ve decided although I said I wasn’t looking, secretly I was, so now I’m officially not looking for real this time. Still I have no luck.
My sisters have been helping me out here and listening to me vent. They agree I am now unapproachable. I don’t smile enough, make enough eye contact, or act confident enough to attract the guys. I told my mom this, and she agreed. She said guys think I am untouchable, and they shouldn’t waste their time. Any thoughts?
Paige
Paige, not looking for a guy is like trying not to think about a white elephant. The harder you try, the more you do. The unapproachable quality people see is your angst showing.
You can’t shop for love the way you shop for socks. Meeting the man you can spend your life with has more in common with seeing a shooting star. Another way to think about “not looking” is being “more you” than you have ever been. No gimmick, technique, or contrivance will ever show anyone who you are.
Being yourself forces you to shine your light. You need to do the things that make you smile and lighten your step. Those things that generate your inner light. Now you are anxious. What do you want to be? Happy, content, fulfilled, self-confident. When you are those things, that man will see your light. And approach.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 4, 2000)
Someday My Prince…
I'm a woman, 25, who's never had a boyfriend. I'm educated, from a good family, with friends both male and female, and I'm not ugly either.
I feel I've been overlooked somehow. I'm beginning to wonder if it's going to happen. Should I leave it to fate, or make an effort at getting a boyfriend? But then, there isn't anyone I'm interested in right now.
Bobbi
Bobbi, T.S. Eliot wrote, "I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope. For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, But faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting."
You said yourself there is no one of interest to you currently. Until there is, wait without hope….
When someone of interest appears, be yourself, because the way to find someone who genuinely loves you is to be yourself. Now, be fully engaged in life. Follow your interests, experience all you can, be with your friends and family. Until he appears.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 5, 2005)
An Open Space
I am 48, attractive, active, the mother of a teenage boy and a small business owner. I feel I am responsible, have integrity and am fun to be with.
The problem is I have never met, though I have been married twice, the man who was meant to be my partner. I have settled each time out of loneliness. I tried to make it work each time as best I could, and really, if I had seen the effort being given in return, would have made a go of it.
But each time it was evident they were not what I hoped for, and yes, the responsibility to become involved was mine. Now I see clearly what I lacked and will never settle again. It just doesn't work! But now I believe I will never find it.
I am at an age where men want younger women, and I have truly never met someone I could totally respect. It is a void, no matter how busy or productive I am, I never stop feeling. How can someone rid themselves of this empty feeling? And please do not say be busy and make yourself happy. I do that and it is not working.
Evette
Evette, we cannot make the empty space in your life go away. The space is there for a reason, and you have twice learned it cannot be filled by just anyone. That space is there for the person who belongs there. That is where that person fits.
If you take your son fishing, you cannot guarantee he will catch a fish. But it could happen. He has put himself in the way of catching fish. It is possible.
If you are busy in the sense of busywork, you cannot expect anything to happen. But if you are busy in the sense of living, growing and enlarging yourself, you have put yourself in the way of this happening for you.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of January 20, 2003)
Address Unknown
I want to know how to go about finding the right man to marry?
Tally
Tally, your letter came from Nairobi, but it could have come from anywhere because on the inside we are all the same.
A book on child rearing cannot teach you to love a baby. A business start-up manual will not tell you what career you will enjoy for a lifetime. A book offering techniques for finding a husband cannot give you love, or teach you to feel that deepest connection. No one can give you a recipe, like how to bake a cake, that will get you love.
Finding the right man will happen out of living your life. Be yourself, be open, and do what is in you to do. Schemes and devices will impede you. They will keep you from being honest. They will keep you from being yourself, and love will take any list of criteria you have and throw it out the window.
Marriage will happen when it happens. It will come out of love. It won’t create love, out of love will come marriage. Be yourself, be open, and do what is in you to do.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of February 7, 2000)
Age Old Question
I am newly blind and very depressed over the guy situation. Since I've lost my sight, it's almost like males have disappeared too.
I've always attracted men and enjoyed dating. I still laugh and flirt, and I'm very open to questions. I want people to be comfortable. I just turned 36 and feel old and ugly, like I'm no longer a person worthy of a relationship.
I am careful not to let the outside world see this side of me. I know there is nothing more of a turn-off than a whiner. So, what do I do? Where do I meet men who aren't afraid of a woman who isn't "normal?"
Darla
Darla, there is no timetable or technique which guarantees you will find a man. Sighted or not, the wisest advice remains the same. Be fully engaged in life, follow what most deeply interests you, and fill your own well.
Filling your own well is never a waste. At worst you will become a happier, more complete, more fulfilled person. Often when we stop chasing, things come because it is then time.
There are people offering gimmicks to get someone. What they won't tell you is that it may get you someone, but not your someone. For a relationship to last, it must be your someone, not just anyone. The divorce rate confirms this.
Live your life with gusto! If you allow yourself to be moved by what stirs you, a larger plan will unfold. It will seem right, even though it may be something you never imagined. Just because you are 36 and want a man, it doesn't mean today he will arrive. Men are not like Chinese take-out.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 8, 2001)
Life Of The Party
After a rocky, friends to lovers, back to friends relationship, I realize two things. This man was eerily like my old college boyfriend in the 80's. And all this time I've had disappointing relationships with exciting guys who are my moronic fantasy: a sexy, near genius playmate, who is manly in love and steadfast.
Guess which part they aren't. For some reason, despite being tremendously sexy, they have sexual hang-ups, leaving me waiting and waiting for fun in bed. Okay, so this pattern needs breaking. But how?
I am a mercurial, scary-bright, sex loving, fun, artsy, adventuresome kind of gal. While I do know how to be serious and committed in love (it's the only mode I have), I get really bored with guys who take the title on their business card seriously.
When a guy isn't wickedly bright, or doesn't make serious art or science, we may end up dear friends but something important is missing. I sound pretty unrealistic to me. How or where do I compromise?
Hope
Hope, it's not a matter of compromise. You have been trying to blend elements which exclude each other. Presenting yourself as someone looking for a man who is clever and fun in bed is not going to attract the man who is steadfast and committed in love.
You are trying to live your life as if on stage, performing to onlookers. You are too concerned with the stage presence of your leading man, what others will see when they see the two of you together. But in the privacy of your home and bedroom there is no audience, and that is where most of your relationship will be lived.
You need to scrape off the affectations and get down to basics. Cracking wise works well on stage and in the movies, but that's only entertainment. It doesn't break through the surface.
You are sacrificing the greater part of life in exchange for quips and witty repartee. You need an honest description of yourself. Posturing for effect only goes so far. Drop the fantasy. You are not Katherine Hepburn looking for her Spencer Tracy.
You are a woman who wants a man who is serious and committed in love. Act like it.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 28, 2001)
Skin Deep
I feel foolish soliciting advice on relationships because I have a Ph.D. myself and should be more sophisticated when it comes to these things. However, while I was raising my son alone, working full-time as a teacher and pursuing my doctorate, I had no social life.
It's a bit embarrassing to admit that I hadn't had a relationship for 20 years! If a man who would have loved my son had come along, I would have been happy, but it never happened.
When my son was in college and my mother passed away, I suddenly became very lonely. I enrolled in a dating service and met three attractive and successful men. None of these relationships evolved into anything permanent, but at least I gained a bit of experience.
Five months ago I met a man who is seven years younger than I. He is in so many ways the man of my dreams--intelligent, tall and handsome, kind, funny, and generous. At first, I was hesitant to date him because he said he had been looking for a younger woman, since he thought he might still want children.
When I am with this man, I'm blissfully happy. He has a boat, and we spent some indescribably joyous times together this summer at sea. I feel as if I love this man, but I have never dared to speak the words.
He seems, in his actions, to show love for me, but he never talks to me intimately. Once in awhile I'll send an email suggesting the depth of my feelings for him, but he always responds casually, avoiding any talk of feelings.
I'm 53 and would like to find a partner with whom to share my life. I've been told by so many people that I'm a real "catch," and that I shouldn't settle for someone who is not of my "caliber." However I'm very superficial when it comes to appearances. I know this is a flaw in me. Although I've had many men attracted to me, I am not attracted to them.
How long should I hang in there to see if he could also love me? I have a tremendous amount of pride and don't ever want to make a fool of myself by blurting out my feelings, only to find out he doesn't feel the same.
Ella
Ella, some people get a Ph.D. because they want to put the word "Doctor" before their name. Some people do it to advance their career and make more money. But other people get a Ph.D. because they have an absolute passion for their subject. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of their passion. Its fulfillment is its own reward.
So it is with love. You want to share your life with someone, but you seek to apply a qualification. You want love to be contained in a certain outer package, but love, not the package, is what makes a person the most attractive person to you.
There is a punishment for being superficial and a price to be paid. Your desire for appearances is a wedge between you and the love you seek. If the man you are dating shared your outlook, what would he think? "She is too old for me. I could easily get a woman 10 or 15 years younger than she."
That might sound hard, but does it not reflect your own attitudes? Do you think he is unaware of the basis on which some women date?
There is no reason you cannot date others while seeing if anything develops with this man, but what you are really looking for is a sense of connection. Focusing on appearances puts your pride, and the opinion of others, ahead of love. It's a little like earning a Ph.D. to make money and then wondering why you don't feel inspired by your subject.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 21, 2002)
