Inheritance
I have a mother who is constantly yelling at me for the smallest things, regardless of whether or not it is my fault. She tells me how hopeless I am, even though I get really good grades and excel in all my extracurricular activities.
Whenever I defend myself, she tells me I have an attitude problem. She puts words in my mouth and denies anything she ever did wrong. She told me she is going to kick me out of the house because she thinks I am rebellious. She doesn't even know what that means because most of the time I don't say anything when she makes false accusations and yells at me.
There is no one at home I can talk to about this. My dad is literally afraid of her, and whenever I cry after taking all my mom says to me, he ends up telling me to apologize to her. The thing is, I know I may raise my voice sometimes when I am angry, but I am angry because she exaggerates and overreacts.
I need help. I can't go on any longer. This happens almost every day, and I have been skipping meals and becoming depressed. The only time I can forget what home is like is when I am at school and with my friends. I suggested going to therapy with my mom, but she just yelled at me for telling her that we have problems.
Emma
Emma, there is a fable about an old man who lived with his son, daughter-in-law, and grandson. The old man was hard of hearing, and he sometimes spilled his food. His son and daughter-in-law were so disgusted by this they made the old man eat by himself out of a wooden bowl behind the stove.
One day the old man's grandson, who was only four, began gathering bits of wood. When his father asked what he was doing, the boy replied, "I am making a wooden trough for you and mother to eat out of when I am big." Ashamed, the couple took the grandfather to the table, and if he spilled a little food, they never said anything.
Emma, like the boy in the tale "The Old Man and His Grandson," there is a lesson you could teach your parents, but they aren't listening. You're really in a pickle!
You are so grown up, we think you will understand this. Your mom is who she is. Whether there is provocation from you or not, she is going to act the same way toward you. But you have some real positives in your corner. You are good at school and extracurricular activities. Focus on them. Channel the maximum of your energies on them. They are your future.
Once you accept that you can't talk to your mom or dad, there is another logical step. Who can you talk to? Try talking to your school counselor or favorite teacher, not with the expectation they can materially change your life, but so you can vent your feelings and frustration.
Often venting feelings has two results. First, it releases pressure, thus reducing tension. Second, it acts like a sounding board for thoughts and ideas which can help you figure out how to deal with your parents.
Your parents may be in power now, but in a few years the only power they will have over your life is the power you choose to let them have.
We heard a story about a man, it might have been the writer Tracy Kidder, who worked on a project in a nursing home. When the project ended, he told his wife and young daughter that he never wanted to end up in a nursing home. His daughter then looked up at her father with a glint in her eye and said, "Well then, Daddy, you'd better be nice to me."
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 21, 2004)
Uniforms
I am concerned about my daughter, "Julie." She is 16 and a junior in high school. She gets fair grades, doesn't get into a lot of trouble, and doesn't smoke or do drugs as far as I know. Why the concern, you ask? It's the way she dresses.
Julie likes to wear baggy pants, T-shirts with rock band logos, skull and crossbones, or phrases such as "Psycho." She wears chains and studs on her pants, wrists, and neck. Ninety percent of her clothes are black. Just two weeks ago she cut her gorgeous, waist length white-blonde hair, dyed it black and pink, and now spikes it every day!
I would like Julie to have her individual style, but I think she is going way too far. It is crazy and also embarrassing to my husband and me. Please help me. I have nowhere else to turn!
Margaret
Margaret, with children you have to pick your battles. It sounds like Julie is a good girl who goes to school and doesn't do drugs. If she has always gotten fair grades, then nothing has changed.
If you and your husband have certain limits, such as no tattoos, no body piercing, and reasonable curfews, that's the battleground. Communicate to Julie what your limits are, and realize that beautiful white-blond hair grows back and a wardrobe can be changed in an instant.
Julie may think she is a rebel, but all she has done is don the uniform of the group she hangs out with. The change is as permanent as her age. Let her rebel with the things which don't matter, and don't concede on anything which does matter.
If we throw love and care at our children, mixed with a reasonable amount of discipline, things almost always turn out right.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 31, 2004)
Throwaway Parents
My son had a rough divorce, and his family stayed with him all the way. He did use his hands on her, but she had been pushing his buttons. Along with the divorce came financial problems, and we loaned him money.
He lived with us for about a year and then moved out on his own. All the while he was a very good son living under his parents' roof. He was fortunate to be able to earn a decent living, and one day he met a lovely girl who eventually became his second wife.
He borrowed money to start his own business. Not long ago we learned he rented out his house and moved into his mother-in-law's empty one, as his business was not doing well and he couldn't keep up. He did not tell us his problems, but instead wrote us a very hurtful letter saying he was brought up with the wrong priorities.
He wrote off a large debt owed to us by saying he feels he's paid enough. We paid what was owed and put all financial stuff away. Now he has stepped away from his parents, and we visit our grandchildren while he is at work. Most recently he said he will meet with his father, not me, to talk over what is on his mind. When that happens we do not know.
If he wants to see us, it's with no therapy, so he is still basically the same person. What is wrong? Who knows? What did I do, his mother who went 200 percent for her son, and gave him everything he asked for. He has taken the unconditional love we had for him and tells us he would have been better off going to jail, if he knew what the future would bring.
Molly
Molly, imagine you gave someone $100 every day. They didn't have to work for it or earn it, you simply gave it to them. Then one day you ask them to sweep the sidewalk, and they refuse. Why? Because they don't feel they need to do anything. They feel entitled.
Your son realizes something is wrong with him, but he doesn't know how to say it. Not only that, but the selfish part of him still wants to receive without earning. What he was trying to say in that hurtful letter is this. "You gave so much I didn't learn how to work for reward. I expected things to come easily. I expected to be backed even when I was wrong. That hurt me."
Your son feels he missed out on the guiding, molding, and shaping he needed from his parents. That is the part which establishes the emotional bond between parent and child. Being neither too lenient nor too strict is the hard part for both parent and child.
The first time you gave to him, when he knew he was in the wrong, diminished you in his eyes. It spoiled him, and spoiled people tend not to feel love because they are so focused on themselves. Now he feels too old to change, and he is mad about it. His only resort is to say, "You did this to me!"
It doesn't matter how good or bad our parents are. There comes a time when each of us must realize our life is in our own hands, and nobody else's. That is what your son must now face. Maybe what the future holds for you is talking to other parents about the need to be strong with their children. A lack of balance in the relationship, giving too much or too little, always causes problems.
When parents take the hard path when necessary, they eventually reap the reward. Their children come back to them in love and live more successful lives. Our future with our children is formed while they are children.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 4, 2002)
Timepieces
I am a father of three teenagers. The older boy and girl are obedient, good at their studies, and helpful around the home. My problem is with my youngest daughter, who is 16.
Wayne and Tamara, she is a beautiful child, and I know she is popular with her youthful friends. But I have been insisting that she obey the rules of my home and also take her studies seriously.
I have a good job, and I spend most of my money on my children. I also give them weekly allowances, most of which I insist that they save. I ensure they are fed and clothed properly.
Recently I had to ground my last daughter because of her rebellious and disrespectful attitude. I lost my temper and slapped her. She screamed that she will run away from home, and I will be sorry. Wayne and Tamara, as a loving father that threat scared me. Do you think I have been too harsh or overly strict with her?
Gene
Gene, four years ago you were much as you are now. Four years ago your daughter was a child of 12, and four years from now she will be a woman of 20. For you, the clock is racing forward; for a 16-year-old who wants to act 18 or 20, the weekend seems like an eternity away.
As an adult, you know how important the next four years can be. Running with the wrong crowd, drugs and alcohol, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases could alter her future in a way she will still be dealing with 20 or 30 years from now.
You know a mistake could alter her entire future; she thinks there is plenty of time for everything, including mistakes. Like all teenagers, she believes "it can't happen to me." As an adult, you know it can.
Your daughter needs one foot firmly planted in the day-to-day reality which will build her future, and one foot free to have some fun and enjoy the once-in-a-lifetime experience of being 16.
Children make mistakes and so do adults. You made a mistake when you slapped her. Sit down with your daughter, admit your mistake, and apologize. Explain to her that your mistake came from your fears. If you do that, you won't be showing her that you are weak; you will be showing her that you are human.
You wrote us out of your love and concern for your daughter. Share that with her. Let her know that you will work to control your realistic fears, if she will help not to set them off.
Tamara
(Column for the week of June 2, 2003)
Domesticating Wolves
I have been married for two years, with stepsons aged 18 and 16. Either their parents did not know what table manners are, or they decided it's not important for the boys to learn.
Last night I made an elegant candlelit dinner for Mardi Gras including several appetizers and desserts. I invited my mother-in-law as well. When it came time for dinner, I felt like I was eating with Neanderthals. The boys, including my husband, dived at the buffet like wolves at a fresh kill.
I told them next time it would be appropriate to let the guest of honor fill a plate first, then I watched them eat virtually like pigs. They constantly talked with their mouths full, which totally disgusts me! They ate so fast and furious there was a ring of food particles around the table where they sat.
I was appalled. When I asked the boys not to talk with their mouths full, my mother-in-law said, "Oh, don't worry about them. They're fine." In the past when I've corrected the boys, my husband says I'm too hard on them.
The truth is, after last night's meal, I don't want to eat with them. It's gross and disgusting, and it makes me nauseous. Please help me! Do I stop eating with them? Or continue trying to teach them knowing some future daughter-in-law might benefit?
Claire
Claire, you are outnumbered four to one. Correction and negative approaches won't work, so forget about them. The boys' future wives will have their own methods, not all of which are available to you. While you may not completely change the boys' table manners, as an adult, you know that patience and persistence nearly always carry the day.
Start with two ideas. One, you don’t want to be chased away from your own table and your new husband. Two, no turmoil should be going on at a time when everyone should be receiving nourishment.
To those two ideas, add three principles of behavior called extinction, incompatible behavior, and shaping. If the boys are talking with their mouths full to express resentment or to annoy you, then it's important not to react in any way. Be totally neutral. Behavior which is not reinforced tends to disappear. That's extinction.
At your Mardi Gras buffet, you could not control the boys' behavior, but in other settings you can. For example, at a sit-down dinner, your husband can serve each portion of meat, then each plate is passed to you to serve the rest of the meal. You control who is served, when and how. That is the second principle. Make arrangements which are physically incompatible with behavior you don't want.
Finally, when the boys show good table manners, respond to them immediately with enthusiasm and your full attention. Use praise and smiles. Perhaps you might even offer a special treat. Positive reinforcement shapes behavior toward what you want. It takes time, but like the slow trickle of water, it cuts through the hardest stone.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of February 25, 2002)
My Three Sons
Just before Christmas as I was coming home from Christmas shopping, I saw through the basement window, my 19-year-old son and his girlfriend having sex. It was early evening, and my husband and my other two sons were home. I was incensed.
I was ready to march in there and raise the roof. My husband, on the other hand, thought that it would be a mistake and convinced me he would talk to our son the next day. He did, but candy-coated it by saying he thought he had seen them doing something and not to do it again. The bedroom door was also to remain open.
I wasn't happy with that but went along to keep the peace. Two days later I came home from work at 11 p.m. and found them in his room again with the door closed. Their clothes were on, but I yelled at them and asked her to leave. For almost six weeks now my son and I have not spoken.
My heart is broken because I don't know what to do. I'm the bad guy again, and my husband can't see what the problem is. He feels I should apologize for shouting at them. I feel an apology is in order from my son. Am I missing something? Have I lost all perspective?
Peggy
Peggy, you are not operating a bordello or a flophouse. Your home is not a place where people meet to have sex. Your son is living in your house under your rules. If he wants different rules, he can move out, support himself, and make his own rules.
In setting rules for your son, there are several things to consider. You don't want to become a grandmother any sooner than necessary, and you don't want drugs or alcohol abused in your home. You do want parents of girls to know your house is a place with adult supervision, not a bachelor pad. And you want rules which are reasonable for all three boys.
As long as the boys are in your home, their problems automatically become your problems. The discussion of rules must begin with your husband. His desire to be a "cool dad" undermines the need for order in the household. There is no reason for you to be a bad guy, prison guard, or the only grown-up in the house.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of February 6, 2006)
Parenthood
Your response to Peggy, whose teenage son was having sex with his girlfriend in their home, should be required reading for anyone anticipating parenthood. She was right to trust her gut reaction. I took the kinder, gentler approach to discipline and thought reasoning would be better than conflict.
Instead of having two maturing, young adults, their behavior is more akin to feral animals. I didn't win any points for being the "good guy." In fact, I lost their respect. By the time I finally had it and spoke up, it was too late. Someone in the family needs to be the alpha. Being Oatmeal Man doesn't work. I say to Peggy, "You go, Girl!"
Don't be afraid to shout loud and shout often. Don't feel bad about being a "bad guy." Feel proud of yourself for being a strong role model. Sign me "sadder but wiser."
Monica
Monica, what is true of stoves and streets is also true of sex. Without rules, someone gets seriously hurt. In dealing with our children, it's what matters now, and what will matter 20 years from now.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of February 20, 2006)
Rules Of The Game
About a year ago my husband and I refound the passion in our relationship. We are all over each other all the time.
He is always pinching my rear, sliding his hand along my shirt, or playing with my thong. He has done things like hang my underwear on the wall or in the car after a particularly great encounter. He sometimes removes towels from the bathroom so I have to run dripping wet to our bedroom in just my underwear.
I love my husband's flirty ways and all his passion, except he does these things in full view of my 17-year-old son. This really embarrasses my son. The other day my husband pulled on my thong, and my son was so upset he was almost in tears. How do I find a happy medium between my son's embarrassment and a great flirty love life with my husband?
Uma
Uma, it is important for children to have a strong sense of love, both emotional and physical, between their parents. That is as much a part of marriage as paying bills, going to work, and taking care of children.
Your marriage is not only intact, it is still growing. That is good for your son to see. But while children need to have a healthy and balanced sense of what marriage is, they do not need to view the details. Those details are not part of their relationship to their parents.
All games have rules. In football, certain uses of the hands are simply not done in full view of the referee. Reining in a little for the sake of your son can enhance your pleasure when he is not around and you express yourselves freely.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 13, 2003)
At Play
My son is having problems with a boy who lives next door. This young man is a year younger than my son, but about a head shorter. Because my son is much taller than other children his age, we taught him never to use his size to threaten or bully other children.
I was physically abused as a child, and thus believe that violence has no place in our home. I guess you would call us pacifists. We raised our son this way, believing violence settles nothing and breeds more violence.
This neighbor boy is quick to anger. There have been times when he hit, pushed, or tackled my son with little or no provocation. We tried to handle this in a friendly manner, and encouraged our son to talk to this child's parents. They turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to what is happening.
Their response is for my son not to play with theirs if they cannot get along. Today the boys were drawing with chalk on our driveway when this child wiped his chalky hands all over my son's shirt. My son in turn made a small chalk spot on the boy's shirt. This boy got quite angry and shoved my son down, scraping his leg and giving him a sore ankle.
This angered my son. He has turned the other cheek too many times, but I am at a loss to know how to handle this situation.
Madelyn
Madelyn, it's time to think through the implications of your decision. What is happening is not cause to contact juvenile authorities, your neighbors are unresponsive, and you have disarmed your son. What are the options?
As an adult, you can intervene to maintain order. Or you can let your son defend himself. With his good nature there is no reason to feel he would take advantage of the situation.
If you watch puppies playing hard, you will see them shove, push, and gnash their teeth at one another, but no one gets seriously hurt. The rough and tumble of young boys is like this. This is normal, not the circumstance which produces a physical abuser.
Knowing your son cannot hit back encourages the smaller boy to throw his weight around, and puts your son in the same position you were in as a child. You cannot disarm your child and then fail to protect him.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 7, 2002)
