Gut Feelings
It seems as though I am in a nightmare. I've been married over 20 years, since I was 19. My husband recently retired from the military. He is very controlling and smothering. I am in a position at work where I take business trips and like to visit family on occasion. He doesn't like that at all.
Anyway, that's only part of the problem. This is difficult for me to share with anyone. A year ago my husband and I were watching a movie and drinking a few beers. After I had four or five beers--I weigh 110 pounds--I went to the restroom. When I returned, I saw a chalky substance floating on top. I freaked out and thought maybe I should go to the emergency room.
I called the beer company. They said I could send it to them, and they would have it analyzed. I hung up. At this point my husband handed me a fresh beer, which I thought strange. Why would I want more? I got mad and called them back. I said I would take the beer to my own lab to have it analyzed.
The rep began taking down my personal information. Then my husband reached over, hung up the phone, and said, "I can't let you do this." He told me he put a muscle relaxer into my beer while I wasn't looking. I became extremely upset when I grasped what happened. My husband of 21 years, the person I trusted most in the world, attempted to incapacitate me so he could have his way with me.
He confessed he had done this twice before, but the next day he denied it. I was upset for days, and he pushed me to get over it. So I tucked it away and tried to press on as though it didn't happen, but that has not worked. At this point he's moved out of the house, and I am seriously considering divorce because of this coupled with his controlling behavior.
When he says I can get over it, it makes me more mad. I think our marriage is ruined, and things will never be the same. When I think of him touching me now, you might as well put bugs on me. But he makes me feel like I am a bad person because I have not tried hard enough to forget.
Mary
Mary, for 17 years the Unabomber mailed explosives to innocent people. In one office as people gathered around a strange package, a man wisecracked, "I'm going back to my office before the bomb goes off." Seconds later, as he walked down the hall, the parcel exploded killing another man.
This story, from Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear
, illustrates how our unconscious awareness can protect us. de Becker's book is a valuable guide to personal safety for women, and you, too, have been given the gift of fear. It is a gift to use. What is the innocent explanation for your husband's behavior? There is no innocent explanation.
It is hard to think of something worse than taking over another physically, immobilizing them, and taking away their will. Does that fit the profile of a man who loves his wife? No. Does it fit the profile of a man who might harm you or another woman? Absolutely yes.
You know your husband has drugged you, so you have reason to fear him. He knows you know, so he has reason to fear you. You are potentially in more danger today than you were before he confessed. He has more to lose now: friends, family, his standing in the community.
You shouldn't allow yourself to be alone with him, and you need to tell others what happened. Others might include agencies familiar with domestic violence or an experienced divorce attorney. Some things can be put off. This isn't one of them.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 26, 2006)
No Friend Of Mine
Three of us couples in our neighborhood chum around now and then. I have a problem with one of the men, and he lives just down the road.
I am a stay at home mom and always very busy. This man has a bad habit of coming around several times a week to visit me. He also bothers the other neighbor girl. He always comes around when he knows my husband is at work or not at home.
In the last two months, as he leaves my house, he tries to hug or kiss me. This makes me very angry. I am a happily married girl, and I am not sending him any signals. I feel his wife doesn't have a clue that he does this thing in the afternoon while she is at work.
Yesterday he showed up at my door again. I didn't want to answer, but finally had to because he would not stop ringing the doorbell. I was trying to get my kids to nap. I answered the door, and he could clearly see I did not want company. He asked me what my problem is and said "people are talking" because I am so cold and quiet.
I still can't make heads or tails out of that comment. I am simply minding my own business. I don't know what to tell him because I'm afraid of a neighborhood fight. We had one here about five years ago, and I don't want to go through that again! My husband doesn't know what to say either.
Holly
Holly, any man who disregards a woman's "no" must be handled firmly and directly. This neighbor is far from harmless. He is a sexual predator, and you need to close the door on his behavior permanently.
Recently there have been newspaper articles and books published about the decline of good manners. We are not sure they are correct, but even if they are, the point they make is at best a half-truth.
Predators know that good people with nice manners have lowered their defenses and are vulnerable. Call it etiquette, politeness, manners, social do's and don'ts, or whatever, you have them and he doesn't. He knows you are afraid to give offense, even as he takes the offensive.
He is not playing by your rules. He is using your good manners against you. With every visit he becomes more familiar with your environment and what goes on there. With every visit he is bolder.
Each visit may be a practice run, building upon fantasies he has been turning over in his mind. He may be building up a kind of confidence, and an alibi, which enable him to take the next step.
You are home alone with small children. Your husband is gone. Have you even thought what you will do if he grabs you? When this situation escalates to sexual assault, he will claim it was consensual because he has been visiting you regularly.
You need to formulate a personal protection plan with the help of a women’s center, domestic violence shelter, or police agency. You might also tell this man's wife it is inconvenient and not desirable for her husband to come to your home during the day. Explain to her that you tried to talk to him about it, but he was not responsive. If that doesn't cure the problem, you will need sterner measures.
We recommend reading Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear. Gavin talks about "typecasting," a common technique of sexual predators. That is what this man tried when he accused you of being cold and quiet. He was attempting to force you to defend yourself by being warm and open.
One final thought. You hesitate to fear this man because you know him, but the fact is many violent crimes are committed by those we know. This man is not your friend and will never be your friend. There is no friendship here to save. Don't act like it.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 6, 2002)
Iceberg
I have been married only two months, and I’m concerned about comments my husband recently made. I have a large extended family and am close with many of my relatives.
Recently my husband asked me if one of my cousins was a virgin. I told him that such a question is inappropriate because of its sexual nature. Just yesterday after meeting another female cousin of mine for the first time, he said, using hand gestures, that she and my other female cousins are “up here” but that I am “down there.”
He also mentioned he is more “moral” than I am, but claims he didn’t mean it as an insult, but as a statement of fact. To me all these comments indicate that he doesn’t respect me. Although he acknowledges that I am smart and attractive, he doubts my integrity even though I’ve been nothing but honest and faithful to him.
I believe the basis of all this is that he never dated women before me, although he had sexual relationships, while I had previous boyfriends. He asked about my previous relationships when we first started dating, and I told him.
I believe all my relationships were normal. No abuse, no ongoing contact with a former boyfriend, no cheating. I did have a pregnancy scare many years ago that was terminated with the help of my then boyfriend. Not so long ago my husband was fixated on the pregnancy, but he says he is now over it.
I fear that I’ve made a mistake in marrying him because I’m worried lack of respect is the type of issue you can’t get over. If he doesn’t respect me because I dated before, why did he wait so long to voice his concerns, and why did he marry me? Am I reading this right? Do you think this is fixable?
Amelia
Amelia, you just learned you have a lump. Should you take time to think about it? No, it’s time to act.
What is the mentality of a man who asks his wife if her relatives are virgins? What profile does he fit? How would you fix that? He’s a grown man. How can you get it through his brain, much less his heart, that this is not something you take an interest in?
The portrait you’ve given us is the portrait of a man missing empathy, missing the idea of right and wrong, missing the sense of protecting someone weaker, and missing respect for women. On a fundamental level he is missing what’s involved in relationships.
Sexual interest goes hand in glove with sexual intent. His sexual history is that of a man who uses women as objects, and there is reason to fear he may even attempt sex with your relatives. He didn’t suddenly get these ideas, but now that he’s got you tied down in marriage he can show his true colors.
His link to you gives him access to your cousins in a way he would not otherwise have. That presents you with a moral dilemma. If you remain silent and something happens, you are complicit in his actions, just as a bishop who moves around pedophile priests is complicit in a moral evil.
Attacking your character is a classic stratagem of abusers. Abusers ferret out others’ secrets, get them questioning themselves and their basic sense of right and wrong. Once that is done they can move them around like pieces on a chess board.
The submerged issue in your letter goes beyond lack of respect for you. Concealing your knowledge makes your cousins vulnerable. They do not know what you know, and your marriage is a cover for who he is. This issue is not something to be shoved under the rug. This issue needs to be dealt with in the most direct manner.
People are like icebergs, and he is just starting to expose what is underneath the water.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 22, 2007)
Narrow Escape
Six months ago I met a certain man through my father. After our introduction we talked, and he told me if I could meet him somewhere, he wanted to tell me something important. I didn’t show up because I was afraid.
Since then not a moment goes by that I don’t think of him. I have seen him a few times, but he acts like he doesn’t notice me. I am frustrated because I am falling in love with him. I asked advice from a friend, but she said if he was interested in me, he could have told me a long time ago.
Whenever I see this man, I feel I am being torn apart. I don’t think I can live without him. My instinct is telling me we will be together some day.
Carmen
Carmen, there is a big difference between instinct and second thoughts. Your instincts told you to beware, this man’s invitation sounds fishy. Acting from instinct, you didn’t show up.
Personal security expert Gavin de Becker tells people intuition is always right in two ways. It is always in response to something and always has your best interest at heart. “Unlike worry,” de Becker says, “intuition will not waste your time.”
Acting from instinct, you didn’t meet him. Now you are having second thoughts. You say you don’t think you can live without him, but what you really can’t live without is love. One of the hardest things for people to learn is not to let their need for love override an obvious bad choice.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of November 13, 2000)
No Role Model
I am married with a boy, 3, and a girl, 2. My husband is in federal prison and is due to get out in May, 2004. I am currently going to college, which he doesn't like. We weren't doing well before he went to jail two years ago.
After we married every time he didn't get his way he would threaten divorce or pretend he was going to commit suicide. He'd keep me up all night arguing I wasn't paying him enough attention. Even now he wants me to send him money though I hardy have any. If I buy the kids anything, he gets mad because I didn't think of him.
He says he loves me, but it seems only when I do what he wants else he has divorce papers ready to go in his cell. If I divorce him, he threatens to steal the kids when he gets out and go into hiding. He threatens all kind of things. He has threatened to kill me in front of people.
He is a vengeful person when he doesn't get what he wants, and his friends tell me I am being a bad wife for not being there for him. I want to start my life over and help my kids. If I divorce him, how do I keep him away from the kids?
I know in my mind I should have divorced him long ago, but my heart says he is the kids' father. Still, in my heart I can't believe anything he says. I have seen him at work. He is a con artist. I am doing everything I can to survive with two kids, but he doesn't care unless I am doing for him.
Aisha
Aisha, this man doesn't want you in college because he doesn't want you to escape from him. He doesn't want your success, and he doesn't want your children's success. He doesn't fit the definition of either a husband or a father.
There are two ways to escape almost any problem: change the image or change the action. Right now you have an image of yourself as powerless. That is the reverse of the true situation. His every movement is controlled by other people, and he is locked in a steel cage. You are completely free.
You are the person with power. Contact with him is entirely within your control. You can decide not to read his letters, not to talk to him, not to visit, and not to send him money. You can eliminate his bad friends from your life. What you say to authorities may even influence when he is released from prison.
Confer with experienced people at your local women's shelter or domestic abuse center and realistically evaluate how much of a threat he is. Then develop an appropriate strategy now and for the future. Talk to a lawyer about the divorce and get the wheels moving.
If you don't take action, then the problem lies deeper. Within you. Deeper within you is where you must go.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 20, 2002)
